Several months ago, a reader asked me how to tell when it was time to step away from serving. She wasn’t sure if God was calling her out or if the enemy was tempting her to leave. My writer-friend Carrie Stephens wrote here about how she decided to stay in ministry. Here’s my story of walking away.
When I first received this question, I pondered, prayed through, and read nine books on the topic—here’s what I came up with:
I don’t know.
I almost stopped there, but God whispered, “You have a story. Tell that one.”
So this is the story about walking away from a ministry close to my heart and the false beliefs I uncovered along the way.
After volunteering for about four years in our church’s children’s program, I was asked to come on staff part-time as our children’s pastor. I accepted because I believed that it was my next step. But there’s more to making decisions than that, and I had to battle false beliefs that I didn’t realize I had. Here’s what I uncovered in the process.
False Belief #1: The passion for the ministry can overpower the reality of the job.
I love Jesus, kids, our volunteer team, and the chance to grow a ministry. Teaching others about Jesus gets me fired up. And yet, the reality of the job was more administrative than I had hoped. And yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “Jill, how could you NOT know that?” But that’s what happens: we get blinded by our passions and the good we can do, and we cannot (or refuse to) see the realities of the job at hand.
When we blindly follow our excitement the new venture brings, we:
- Gloss past our weaknesses and the discrepancies between our priorities and job requirements.
- Have no idea what our motivation is for taking the job—to glorify God or to gain power and status or to do what we’re “supposed” to do?
- Deny our gifts and talents to make them fit the requirements of the job. When Jesus spoke of us denying ourselves, He meant our fleshly nature and not the gifts, talents, and passions He put inside of us. There may be gifts you have that aren’t being utilized and God wants the world to see through you.
But my Achiever-ness pushed back against all the warning signs, and this lack of understanding led me to another false belief.
False Belief #2: When you’re struggling, just tell yourself to get it together.
My game plan was endurance, but when that didn’t work, I started adjusting the strategy for the better—instead of powering through, I stopped and asked for counsel. I decided to listen to God-centered friends, not my pride. Instead of enduring, I listened to what my emotions were telling me. Emotions shouldn’t dictate what we do, but they’re certainly indicators of the state of our soul.
God was telling me to step away, but Achievers don’t quit. If I was tougher, stronger, or a better leader, I could do this. I just needed to buckle down and get it together… but that wasn’t the case.
False Belief #3: It’s easy to tell the difference between a temptation to leave and a call to leave.
About 18 months in, I was crying randomly, and I was physically and emotionally exhausted. All I wanted was to wear a dress to church, sit next to Ryan during worship while our girls enjoyed the kids program, and go to brunch afterwards… oh brunch, how I love you so.
I wondered, is this a trial to prune out selfishness or is this a call to walk away and enjoy a slower pace? A trial to endure and a temptation to walk away feel about the same, don’t they?
Friends, I wish I could give you a blueprint or “if this, then that” statements to fit your situation, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you what I did. I read the Bible, prayed, and sought counsel, and what I heard was this: an invitation to rest, the sound of amazing grace, and resounding choruses of “I am with you.”
False Belief #4: If you really loved this ministry and the people, you’d loyally serve forever…or else it’ll fall apart.
Guilt said that, if I loved Jesus and kids, I would serve in perpetuity. If I didn’t, that would make me a liar—our enemy speaks in accusations drenched in shame.
I also wondered, “Who will hold all of this together if I walk away?” The enemy wanted me to believe that I, not God, hold all things together. And when he can’t get us to believe that we’re all-powerful? He loves to make us swim in guilt.
False Belief #5: My capability must mean it’s God’s calling.
I had taken my capacity, my ego, my goal-achieving mindset, and my desire to meet and beat expectations, and I declared it God’s calling.
So how do we know the difference: our ego or God’s invitation?
Well, I can tell you it’s not formulaic. It’s a combination of prayer, reading God’s word, feeling Him tug on your heart, and then asking God-centered people in your life for their perspective. It’s a matter of feeling bullied or led, intimidated or encouraged, fearful or peace-filled.
Eventually, I walked away, and it was really hard. I felt like a failure.
But, for all the craziness and hurt, I wouldn’t have traded that experience for anything.
My experience led me to write to you, my sweet Achiever friend. And it led me to love Jesus more and more, to know Him as my comforter, to seek His will, and to know that, when I walk away, He’s still walking alongside me.
So if you’re like the reader who asked when to quit and when to stay, please know that every part of your story will lead you to Jesus.
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Jill, there is so much wisdom here.! Thank you for sharing what you learned as you walked through your experience. I’m printing this article and keeping it. It is so encouraging for when we question the next step, or for when we know we need to leave, but we can’t get past what the enemy is telling us. I can really relate to the struggles you write about inside this post. Thank you!!!
Leslie, thank you! I hope that the post is helpful to those who feel like they can’t leave, who feel like trying a new adventure or taking a break from the current one is impossible, who feel like worn out by always giving. It’s a tough spot and the enemy knows exactly what little lies to whisper into our hearts. – jill
This is so wise! Those are hard decisions! And the enemy can be so convincing, often using good things, even Godly things to lure us away from God! Blessings!
Liz, yes so true. Paul warns us that our enemy masquerades as an angel of light. He can just be so sneaky. But God knows our hearts and knows what we need. Even if its stepping away from ministry and moving toward rest. – jill
Wow, Jill…. you literally told my story. This article has brought me great peace. Thanks for your obedience in writing this post. Posting on my Facebook fan page. Tania from TheodoraLove. http://www.theodoralove.com
Tania, oh I am so glad! Women are so hard on themselves, and I’m so glad that God is bringing you peace. – jill
Once again, sweet Jill, you speak the truth and wisdom I need for the moment. I am wrestling with that “stay or go” decision right now, and so many of the points you hit above, have been plaguing me as well. Especially False Belief 2 and 3.
Thank you for your wisdom and beautiful heart in sharing your story. You’ve give me so much to pray about and think about. Thank you for that. ?
Erika, oh sister friend. Your decision is a big one. I’ll be praying right alongside of you. Know that God will clearly lead you in paths of righteousness for His name sake. You’ll feel like you’re going through the valley of shadows, but God is your guide: revealing what needs to be revealed about how much you mean to Him and who He is. He loves you so! – jill
Jill…thanks for being real and raw. I’m believing your personal testimony on this pointed issue will help more people than you know! You are an amazing example to so many. I will be logging this away as well to share with anyone struggling with this type of decision. I believe you were appointed (like Esther) for “such a time as this” in the life of NRC. The great things you did for the children’s ministry was undeniably incredible and will live on forever! Much love to you friend!
Alicia, isn’t God so good as to place us where we need to be when we need to be? Thank you for your kind words. It was a pleasure and privilege to serve our kids, our team, and our city. Now I get to do those same things, but in a different way. Go God go! – jill
Jill, I don’t know when this was written, but without doubt it was God-breathed and spoke precisely to my heart today, in the moment I find myself in.
Thank you for sharing your story, and in turn giving me courage to live my own.
Praying that God will be very near to you today.
Suz, God is so good to give us what we need when we need it. Thank you for allowing me to share in the journey with you as I told my story. God has good, good plans for you sweet friend, no matter how you minister to others! -jill
Jill,
This is very encouraging. Earlier this week I stepped down as one of the worship leaders at my church. I am supposed to have a 3 month break and then check in with my Worship Pastor at the end of it.
I struggled for a few years with whether or not I wanted to step down or if God wanted me to. Within the last year, a series of events pushed me to the edge and I remembered a time when God asked me “If I asked you to walk away from worship would you do it? ” I couldn’t answer that question then but today I realize that I had made the serving more important than the One who gives me a reason to serve. If I ever want to step back into leading worship I need to refocus on God and I cannot do it from that position.
This week has been so painful, fearing that I am/will be judged for stepping down, fearing that I wont come back and that I have lost my chance at something great. But you are so right, God is with me and for me and will help me in this time.
Tiadra, that is so hard, but how wise to know that God is the One more important than the serving. You’re right, it’s so painful, but God is with you and He is for you 100%. -jill
What was your process to stepping away? How did you tell your pastor you were stepping away?
Hello Dylan! My process was prayer, counseling, seeking advice from wise, God-centered friends, and talking with my husband. I also just told my pastor my plan to step away and my last day during our regular, weekly meeting. Is there any way I may pray for you? -j
Thank you for sharing. Wrestling hard with a decision to leave a ministry and you spoke truth in love into this dark valley we feel we are in.
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. It has been a balm to an aching heart. May God bless you as you continue to serve him.
Joy, I am so sorry that you are wrestling with that hard decision. It feels both heart-breaking and gut-wrenching at the same time. Please know that God loves you and sees you as His daughter, first and foremost. You are His girl and He loves you so! -jill
Almost exactly a year later and your post, saved on my browser, caught my eye today. The decision to leave ended up being made for us, and while the rejection was soul rending, we clung to the knowledge that God’s closed doors are often his greatest mercies in our lives.
The last year was at times agony. But the bleeding wounds eventually do stop bleeding, then scab over in self protection, and finally begin to heal. In this life we will always carry the scars, but we are beginning to to see them as reminders of the good that came through that ministry and less of the hurt.
Thank you for your part in helping us walk this path. Here’s looking forward to the day “when all the sad things come untrue.”
This has helped me as I have felt called to leave a ministry where I’ve been involved but also somewhat pushed into more of a leadership role than ever wanted. It has been a heavy burden for quite sometime and not much peace. Most of these false believes are right on with my situation and am looking forward to the new season God I’d leading me into.
Bennie, I’m so glad this article helped you. It is hard to leave ministry, even those roles we never wanted. May the God of all comfort, comfort you know and be your peace. -j
Jill,
My story is much like yours. I have transition from my role as volunteer kids ministry Director last December. I feel I did well giving Pastor’s two months and helping the person their picked to transition in. They are hurt and they are being a little passive about it. I have not been back to my church, visiting families, churches to give space for the new director.
since your stepping down, how is your relationship with your pastor? Do you attend the same church that you lead the children’s ministry in
Hello, friend! You are so kind to help the person who stepped into your role. We no longer attend the church where I served as the KidMin pastor. I know Jesus knows exactly where you need to be! -j