The phrase “self-compassion” sounds so, so, so… self-indulgent. My grandparents survived the Dust Bowl during the Great Depression, so genetically, I’m predisposed to hard work and productivity. My Protestant work ethic, which emphasizes industriousness and discipline, has me believing that self-compassion is a code word for laziness and navel-gazing. Blech. But here’s the deal: compassion for self leads to compassion for others, which allows us to live in community and strengthens our relationships.
Self-compassion seems like a Trojan horse for self-pity and self-absorption.
If you told me to extend myself compassion, I’d look at you like you’re a crazy person. Don’t you know there’s work to be done and I don’t have time for a ooey-gooey feelings? And if I do mess up (heaven forbid), then problem-solving is in order—not compassion. Mistakes deserve to be chastised not coddled. And I’m way more familiar with beating myself for errors: it’s the devil I know.
Self-compassion is exchanging criticism for gentleness, connecting us to our shared humanity, and recognizing our hurts instead of ignoring them.
Christ-followers are created to be the most generous grace-and-compassion givers on planet earth yet we do a poor job of extending those gifts to ourselves.
Jesus’ one prayer for future believers was that we would be unified, in community moving toward one purpose (John 17:20–21). Without grace and compassion, we fail to live in community, to share struggles, and to encourage each other on to good works. Often, we beat ourselves up for not getting it together, and then we try to overcome our enemy alone. We continue to feel desperate on the inside despite looking put-together on the outside.
Achiever-Friend, this isn’t right. God desires that we live in community. When God invites us to share in community, He’s asking us to share: our resources, joy, and struggles.
Self-compassionate people share their resources.
The church pioneers in Acts shared physical resources so no one was in need. Today, we are to share tangibly, but also, from our emotional resources. When we only berate ourselves for our weaknesses, we don’t possess the resource of self-compassion, which means we can’t give compassion away.
Paul writes in Galatians 5 that the Holy Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Let’s Go Rogue from believing that this fruit is reserved only for others and become more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self-controlled so that we can extend these resources to others. If Jesus found us worthy of these things, then we should extend them to ourselves.
Self-compassionate people share in the joy of others.
When I evaluate my attitudes, I view your success as encroaching on my success, as if life is a zero-sum game with finite amounts of success to be sliced up and served out. But God is infinitely generous, and self-compassionate people are thankful for the gifts, talents, resources, and callings that we all have. When we’re content in our circumstances, we’re able to cheer on the success of others.
In Overwhelmed, Cheri Gregory says that when our lives are full of gratitude, “we are free to enjoy rather than envy. We become a safe place for another woman to share a bit of herself.” Christ wired our hearts not only to be thankful, but also to spur each other on toward good deeds. God desires us to be a safe place for each other, and this starts by being a safe place for ourselves.
Self-compassionate people share sins and struggles.
Our enemy hates community, but God loves it. As Elyse M. Fitzpatrick writes in Good News for Weary Women, “God has nevertheless lavished His love on us… we can live transparent lives and encourage other women to do so as well.”
Transparency and encouragement don’t happen when we’re busy beating ourselves up for our foibles and failures and hiding any imperfections. No one will come to us with their hurts and struggles if they’ve only seen us rake ourselves over the coals for sins we’ve committed or, the other extreme, when we wear a mask of fake “fine” that hides any trace of failure. These two extremes leave us struggling and despairing in isolation so we’re easily picked off by our enemy, the lion that prowls about.
The more I learn about self-compassion, the more I’m convinced that it’s the way of Jesus. Yes, He valued hard work just as my grandparents did. Yes, He valued a faith that was backed up by action just like my Nana and Granddad. But He was also a Man who valued community, which is built on sharing our resources, our joy, and our struggles. Join me in being a safe place for women to be who they most fully are. Extend compassion to yourself.
