I’m not perfect. I eat too much sugar, I get impatient, and my words are often unkind. My response to imperfections like these is to create an Ideal Jill who’s basically everything I’m not. I compare myself to her and try really hard in the name of self-improvement. I work with all the energy I can muster to become Ideal Jill.
And often, I fail.
I then tell myself to get it together. I beat myself up because I didn’t live up to my expectations. I redouble my efforts.
And when that doesn’t work either, I sink into sadness with my ice cream, drowning in sprinkles, and call it a day.
What’s going on with our need to self-improve to the point of bullying?
Our need to improve ourselves can bully our hearts.
It’s easy to make a list of our imperfections and create a strategy for improvement i.e. we’ll be more available to our friends, we won’t be late, and we’ll make dinner every night.
But rather than being gracious with ourselves, we bully our hearts into submission. We ignore our own exhaustion to listen to our friend. Our inner drill sergeant reminds us that being late is disrespectful. We think good moms make homemade meals, so we rush past our people to put dinner in the oven.
This bullying isn’t right, but we struggle with how to become our ideal selves without it. We bully our hearts causing them to hurt.
Our bullied heart struggles in three ways.
We know that we’re not perfect and we can’t imagine not living a life of self-improvement to wipe out any imperfection.
1. We tell ourselves that there’s always room for improvement, so we try harder.
We forget the reality that, at certain times in our lives, we’ll need a different focus. We misunderstand excellence, which is not perfection but simply doing what we can with what we have, where we are, as we are (Holley Gerth).
2. We have no idea when we’ve crossed the line between bullying and genuine self-improvement.
Our need to improve comes from one of two places: the Holy Spirit’s whisper or our inner critic demanding that we do more, try harder, and get it together.
3. We believe that we can attain our ideal self.
Our ideal self is a destination, something to be reached. We forget that Christ’s goal for us is not achievement but relationship.
So what are try-hard girls to do? We want to improve, but we’re so tired of the pressure.
Friends, let’s start by trusting that our struggles lead us to Christ.
The way of Christ starts with valuing the real you. In Luke 9:23–25, Jesus talks with His disciples about denying themselves, following Him, and then He says the most remarkable thing:
“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”
The way of Christ is to never lose our true selves. He cares deeply for us, and He wants to work with us to become who we were made to be.
Here’s how we can begin working with Him to become our truest selves.
1. Ask God to strip away the false self.
In the presence of Christ, process all of your expectations and ask Him to show you what’s from Him and what’s not. He’ll gently remove the masks (the mask of service, the achiever, etc.) to get to the real you. We won’t always like what we see, but we’ll know the truth that can set us free.
2. Enter into a dialogue with Him about what He has in store for you.
Ask Him to help you understand your identity in Him and experience the grace He offers. When we ask God what He sees when He sees us, He lavishes us with love. When we ask what He wants us to focus on right now, He’ll only ask what we’re capable of doing with Him at our side.
3. Choose relationship and step out of the race.
In the presence of Christ, tell your ideal self that she’s free to go because she’s not the destination you seek. Ask God for His help in saying good-bye to what you thought you were supposed to be doing to make room for the relationship He’s pursued with you since the day you came into this world.
I’m not perfect. I’m far from Ideal Jill. But I’m becoming okay with that because I don’t actually want to be her. Let’s give up our unhealthy self-improvement patterns and take our struggles to Christ. Our need to improve ourselves can bully our hearts, but the transformation He has in store for us is far better than anything we could ever dream up.
I am a recovering “try-hard-girl” who has had to learn that toughing it out, trying harder, etc. just left me tired, cranky, and empty. When I give all I have left to God, He says rest here or do this instead. I find that the things that matter are more obvious when I just take time to spend with Him over powering through.
Jennifer, Feeling tired, cranky, and empty are not great places to be. I love that you’re taking the time to spend with Him, instead of powering through. So good! -jill