How moms can master the choice between being present and being responsible

The other morning, our non-hugger of a daughter wanted to snuggle and tell me all about the dream she’d had. I loved every minute until I realized carpool was coming.

Later that evening, our non-reader daughter wanted to read to me. I loved her turning page after page until I realized that it was after her normal bedtime and that we’d both pay the price for this indulgence in the morning.

As moms, we’re constantly feeling the tension between being present and being responsible.

Regardless of which one we choose, the “mom guilt” sets in. If we choose to be present, we feel guilty that the house is a disaster. If we choose to be responsible, we feel guilty that we turned down a chance to play tickle monster.

We long to be both, to be present and to be responsible…so what’s a try-hard girl to do?

The case for being present

As moms, we want to share moments and make memories with our people. We want our kids to be seen and heard, so we close the computer, put down the phone, and look our children in the eye. We give our kids our undivided attention. We enjoy the moment we’re living right this second.

Doesn’t being present seem like the most magical way to parent? And yet, this type of life sounds unrealistic. When there’s soccer practice and piano lessons and dinner to make, being present sounds like a luxury. Choosing to be responsible seems like the better choice.

The case for being responsible

As moms, we want our kids to be clothed, clean, and fed. We want them to live in an environment where dog hair and dirty dishes don’t overtake every surface. To do this, we model responsibility and stewardship. We say “no” to the play date because it’s laundry day. We slice the potatoes instead of starting the puzzle. We ask the story about her day to be put on pause so we can finish dinner in less than two hours…is it me or does eating dinner with kids take FOREVER?!

And yet, this type of life sounds like it’s void of connection, like everything is about moving through the checklist, always driven by the clock. Choosing to be present sounds like the better choice.

God’s case for being present and responsible

What does God say about these options? In His kingdom, does one edge out the other?

Jesus was present

In the gospels, we see how present Jesus was by taking time to talk with people and meet them where they are. He never seemed to be in a hurry, and He was never bothered when people stopped him along the way.

So I think, “Well, clearly, to be like Jesus, I need to forget about time and responsibilities and just focus on people.”

But then I read this…

Jesus was responsible

As we peruse the gospels, we see that Jesus had a mission. When a group of people lined up to be healed, Jesus tells Peter that He’s done healing, and instead, they move on to a different town so He can preach (Mark 1:35–38). Jesus was laser-focused on the job God sent Him to do.

So I think, “Well, clearly, to be like Jesus, I need to focus more on my mission and less on what people need from me.”

So which is it: present or responsible?

The way of Christ is not either/or. Christ never made the distinction between “being present” and “being responsible.” To Christ, they were one in the same.

The way of Christ is a life cycle in which one action feeds the other. When we do our responsible tasks, we’re always pointing people to Christ. When we’re present with our people, we’re showing them His love. Being present and being responsible are not mutually exclusive; they are symbiotically linked because both are grounded in love.

The case for how this plays out in real life

The other day when my non-hugger wanted to hug and my non-reader wanted to read, I had a choice to make: stay present in the moment or be responsibly aware of the time and cut things short?

But that question – “Do I choose between being present or responsible?” – is a false premise. This question presupposes that I have only one choice, when I really have infinite options when I ask a much more accurate question I learned from pastor Andy Stanley instead:

“What does love require me to do in this situation?”

Is the most loving thing to hear about the dream OR to get her to school on time? Is the most loving thing to listen to her read past her bedtime or is it more loving to get her tucked in on time?

What’s the right answer to these questions? The only “right” answer is the answer that’s made in the moment, in the presence of Christ, and grounded in love. Let me be real clear here, this is not easy for me. I don’t share this because I’ve got it all figured out. It’s a truth I’m learning, and as a fellow traveler, I thought I’d share with you what I’m learning. I’d much rather there be a checklist or a “If this/Then that” chart. But love gives us options without asking us a binary question.

So the next time we’re faced with getting a hug from our non-hugger or listening to our non-reader read, let’s ask ourselves what love would have us do. God’s answer may surprise us.

God is good and faithful to share with us what He wants us to do moment by moment. Let’s remember that our Savior and example, Jesus Christ, has done both because both are necessary and both are inextricably linked.

Pin for later