How your personality impacts your parenting

Parenting is completely out of my comfort zone, and maybe it feels overwhelming to you too. I love efficiency, strategy, metrics, annual reviews, and sleep. You know, all the things that parenting doesn’t offer. When I first became a parent, I felt like The Worst Mom ever: Why couldn’t I be more nurturing? Why did I care so much about efficiency and achieving goals?

When I discovered my Enneagram type, I finally understood why motherhood challenged me so much.

What is the Enneagram?

At it’s most basic, the Enneagram is an ancient personality-typing tool that outlines nine basic personality types. At a more complex level, it gives you language to speak what rumbles in your heart, soul, mind, and body. It gives voice to your motivations, desires, coping mechanisms, and defaults.

If you struggle in parenting, I highly recommend finding out your Enneagram type first, then reading this post. Here, you’ll learn where you shine and struggle as a mama plus you’ll get healthy habits so you can become the mom God created you to be.

If you take nothing else away from this post, please know this:

You’re doing a great job mama.
Stay true to the type of mom God created you to be. You don’t need to be like your best friend, sister-in-law or mom. Your children need you to be who God created!
You can grab this free resource, Your Quick Start Guide to the Enneagram, to help you better understand what the Enneagram is, what it isn’t, and what you want to know about your type. Just click the picture or go here.

The FCC requires that I tell you that I’m an Amazon Affiliate, which means I earn a bit of commission on each sale. But don’t worry there’s no added cost to you!

Please know I’m not an Enneagram expert, merely a lover of it. This information is based on my own research, feedback from moms, and peer review. Also, while I have not read each book listed here, I trust the sources who recommend them.

Type Eight: The Challenger

Eights are all about strength, determination, power, and protecting others. You’re a force to be reckoned with. Friend, you walk into a room and ooze intense confidence. Eights often assume protective roles and push their bodies to the point of exhaustion to bring justice and care for others. While some may call your communication style “aggressive” or “confrontational,” you prefer to think of yourself as “assertive.” As an Eight, you exude passion, determination, and steadfastness.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you’re passionate about your kids and have a strong desire to advocate for their needs. You instill in your children a sense of safety. Eights are a case study in “Mama Bear” behavior. You love to train up your kids and you parent consistently. You have so much natural energy, which matches perfectly with keeping up with your kids and tackling hard tasks. (Has an Eight ever met a task she couldn’t crush?!?!)

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because your personality is so big, you may overshadow your children and bulldoze them into doing what you want. You have a low tolerance for whining or incompetence, which is a difficult place to be when you have toddlers. As an Eight, you struggle with extending grace to others and knowing when to back off (in both intensity and tackling your to-do list).

Healthy Habits

Sweet Eight Mama, you love making things right and doing what you can. It’s important to remember that God controls the outcomes so you don’t have to fight, worry, and struggle about All The Things (2 Samuel 10:12).
Ask yourself if you view your children as projects or gifts. If it’s the former, ask God for the grace to accept them where they are and to love them as they are.
Ask God to show you — in the moment — when to extend grace and when to push ahead. He’ll show you!

Books for the Eight Mama

It’s OK Not To Share by Heather Shumaker
Nurture by Nature by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger

More Words to Encourage You

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Nines are all about being collected, understanding, and gentle. You possess the incredible ability to see every side of a situation. However, this gift makes it difficult for you to form your own opinion. When your peace is rattled, anger rises to the surface, seemingly out of nowhere, leaving you embarrassed and stuffing your emotions down even further.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you are attentive, tender, loving, and fun. You instill in your children a sense of safety because you strive for a peaceful home. Because of your Nine-ness, you offer empathy and a listening ear. You also stay calm in emotional whirlwinds (a la toddlers, tweens, and teens).

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because you love peace, you easily overlook offenses and behaviors which need addressing. You have a low tolerance for chaos, which is hard when you parent little people and their LEGOS. You’re prone to anger, even though you’d never call yourself an Angry Mom. Enforcing boundaries feels impossible because you want your children to be peaceful and happy, which they won’t be when consequences are put in place. You also struggle with speaking up when you need help (you don’t want to rock the boat!) then turn resentful when no one offers to assist you.

Healthy Habits

Sweet Nine Mama, you love peace, and Jesus is peace. It’s important to go to Christ with your worries, to give Him thanks, and to allow His incomprehensible peace to wash over you (1 Peter 5:6-7).
Ask God to show you where you’re settling for false peace instead of receiving God’s true peace.
Ask God to teach you to accept the fact that not everyone will be—or needs to be—happy all the time. Your children may get upset when you enforce a consequence or confront them on behavior you won’t tolerate, and that’s okay.

Books for the Nine Mama

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel
Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

More Words to Encourage You

Type One: The Reformer

Ones are often associated with “perfection,” you don’t see yourself as a perfectionist. You firmly believe that your day, the meeting, yourself — let’s just say it: everything — should work out how you planned. Ones have an internal radar that senses areas needing improvement, including yourself. Your inner critic speaks (or rather shouts) the loudest of all the types. To cope with this internal monologue, you either (1) work hard and exhaust yourself trying to prove you’re good enough, or (2) find fault in others before they find fault in you.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you’re organized, consistent, and fair. You constantly learn about your child and take note of where he or she struggles. You also aren’t complacent in your parenting. You’ll track down books, resources, and experts to help you improve your parenting.

Where You Struggle in Parenting

You struggle with unrealistic expectations (of yourself and others) as well as guilt that you aren’t doing “enough.” Because you want everything to be just right, out-of-place items, clutter, or a day gone sideways drive you to crazy town. To handle the external (and internal) chaos, you cling to rules as a security blanket, desperately trying to control your circumstances and the behavior of others. Fun and spontaneity don’t come easily to Ones because you’re unsure what purpose they serve or how they might “mess up” your day.

Healthy Habits

Sweet One Mama, you know lots of things and know how to do them well, but you don’t know All The Things. It’s important to cling to the One who knows all instead of leaning on your own understanding. God alone is omniscient and He will guide you even better than your own best practices (Proverbs 3:5-8).
Take 10 minutes each day for fun and play with your kids. Take a walk around the block, host a dance party in the living room, or play basketball in the driveway. I promise the work will get done and the 10 minutes will be amazing!
Ask God to show you moments to celebrate what your kids have done, even when it’s not up to your standards or how you would have done it.

Books for the One Mama

Sacred Ground, Sticky Floors by Jami Amerine
Love Does by Bob Goff (there’s also a kids version!)
The Wonder Weeks by Xaviera Plas-Plooij, Frans X. Plooij, and Hetty van de Rijt

More Words to Encourage You

Type Two: The Helper

Twos are gracious and generous, and you easily give of yourself. As a Two, you intuitively recognize the needs of those around you. However, naming your own needs doesn’t come as easily because acknowledging them can trigger shame that you aren’t self-sufficient. Your type operates from the heart more than any other. So does a Type Two cope with all the needs you see on a daily basis? You do as much as you can for everyone, but all this doing negatively impacts your health and your family often gets the leftovers. Blergh.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you’re kind, warm, and empathetic. Your child knows she is loved, heard, and valued. Of all the Enneagram types, you form the strongest connections with people, which means that you know your kids inside and out. You shine at being present and you can read your children’s emotions like nobody’s business.

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because you want to help and do All The Things, you can become overwhelmed and exhausted. (Sensory overload and doing all the chores anyone?) As a Two, you go all in so you may lose yourself in parenting. You also find it difficult to take stock of your own needs, so you can feel deflated and resentful when others don’t appreciate all you’re doing for them. You may become so invested in your people that their emotions become your emotions.

Healthy Habits

Sweet Two Mama, God’s love for you never fails. Whether you serve (or don’t), do (or don’t), His compassion doesn’t run out (Lamentations 3:22-24).
Review All The Things you do. How can others in your family or tribe help you? Asking for and receiving help brings blessings. Try it out — I promise it won’t kill you!
Ask God to help you find an outlet outside of your family that allows you to make a difference, love others, and experience joy

Books for the Two Mama

The Bible – you must know your identity so you can serve out of love!
How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (there’s also a teen version)
Loving Your Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk

More Words to Encourage You

Type Three: The Achiever

Threes are all about doing, thinking, and making forward progress. Your competitive nature allows you to achieve virtually anything you set your mind to. However, you believe that achievement equals worth, so you always hunt for ways validate your importance. No matter what you achieve, you feel like it’s never enough because the goal line keeps moving. You find new tasks to achieve, but you’re never satisfied. You get more done than any other type, yet, you’re chronically tired because you don’t know when or how to stop.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you’re consistent, optimistic, dependable, organized, and responsible. You love checking things off the list: Snacks packed – check! Homework done – check! Laundry put away – check! Threes know what kind of children you want to raise and you strategize ways to get there. You also instill a sense of hard work in your children. (For the record, my younger daughter also says that I’m awesome at giving her hugs and making her feel better so you nurture more than you think you do!)

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because of your inner compulsion to make progress, you can push your kids to the limit with an over-committed schedule. Threes are a case study in “Tiger Mom” behavior. Often, Threes view constant questions and requests for help as interruptions to the day. You love metrics, and parenting provides so few, which may leave Three Mamas discouraged and frustrated. If you work, that work can become an idol because it gives you the recognition and approval you crave, while your kids are more likely to tell you all the ways you’re failing, like how you cut the sandwich “wrong.”

Healthy Habits

Sweet Three Mama, God doesn’t value you for your achievements. You have value because you’re His girl. Nothing you can do or not do can change His love for you (Psalm 62:2).
Schedule time for fun! (I know Threes: we love our schedules!) Block off time and make connection a priority just like you would for any task in your planner.
Ask God to show you to put your agenda aside and to reveal how wide, high, deep, and long His love is for you.

Books for the Three Mama

Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake
Give Your Kids a Break by Kim Fredrickson

More Words to Encourage You

Type Four: The Individualist

Fours are all about being truly and deeply known for who you most truly are. You intrinsically move toward authenticity and feeling your emotions. You constantly look for beauty and find it wherever you look. However, your desire to be understood may lead you to over-identify with your flaws, so you feel like you never quite fit in.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you are empathetic, honest, and eager to show physical affection. You instill a love of creativity and imagination in your children. Messes and hard conversations don’t scare you. You love to help your children navigate their emotions. Fours are big-picture focused and so enthusiastic about All The Things!!!!

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because you feel so deeply, the practical details of daily caregiving may be difficult for you. You also cannot stand being interrupted. Your kids’ schedules plus a disdain for routine can lead you to overwhelm, which may cause a complete shutdown.

Healthy Habits

Sweet Four Mama, it’s easy for you to be whipped and tossed about by your emotions. Ask God to ground you in the truth of who He is and who you are in Him (John 15:5).
Keep showering your kids with hugs and kisses
Ask God to help you focus on the daily details.

Books for the Four Mama

The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman
Are My Kids on Track? by Sissy Goff, David Thomas, and Melissa Trevathan

More Words to Encourage You

Type Five: The Investigator

Fives are all about information, knowledge, and wisdom. You view the world through the lens of scarcity, which causes you to store up items (“When might I need this again?”) or information and data (Let me guess: your Evernote and Dropbox accounts are full). Problem-solving and analytical thoughts fill your inner life.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you critically think through your children’s problems and find books, resources, and experts to help you parent well. You’re a wonderful teacher. You instill in your child a love for learning and how to think outside the box. You excel at connecting with older kids.

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because your mind moves at warp speed, you struggle to make connecting with your kids a priority. You also feel protective of your energy, which means you limit socializing, playgroups, Bible studies, etc. When you unnecessarily limit these social times, you miss the support and advice that comes with them, causing you to feel isolated and out-of-the-loop. You feel drained by the demands on your time, space, and energy, so parenting littles is especially hard for you.

Healthy Habits

Sweet Five Mama, you have so much knowledge in your head. It’s important to remember that only God is omniscient, and He has every answer you crave (Psalm 139).
Prioritize pockets of time for you to recharge. If possible, build alone time into your daily routine.
When things don’t go as you planned or you can’t figure out a solution, take a deep breath and ask God for His wisdom.

Books for the Five Mama

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell
The Enneagram of Parenting by Elizabeth Wagele

More Words to Encourage You

Type Six: The Loyalist

Sixes are all about determination, strength, and support. You look out constantly for threats, so you prepare and develop support structures, systems, and routines — all verified by credible outside sources (of course!) — to feel safe.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you’re nurturing, sensitive, and compassionate. You instill in your children the ability to think through a problem from all sides. Your decisions are never capricious, and your children know how much they’re cared for. “Reliable” and “available” best describe your parenting style. Just like Ones and Fives, you seek out books, resources, and experts to help you develop the best practices.

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because security and safety motivate you, you may worry too much and overanalyze situations. You want to raise your kids well so you over-research and read so many parenting books. Playfulness and spontaneity don’t come easily to you. You’ll probably never suggest playing Barbies or stopping unexpectedly at a park just to hang out because you’d rather stick with your predetermined plan of best practices and tasks.

Healthy Habits

Sweet Six Mama, God cares about you so much and is capable to handle and hear about every worry you have. He may not change your situation, but His love for you never fails. He is the source of all the safety and security you seek (1 Peter 5:6-7).
For 10 minutes, put the parenting book down and play with your child. (That’s an order!) Your kids will love playing with you and you may find your shoulders relax just a bit.
Ask God to show you how He has been faithful to you throughout your life. This exercise proves He is trustwothy. Now, ask Him to remind you that He alone is faithful to provide for, defend, and love your child and that she is always in the palm of His almighty hand.

Books for the Six Mama

Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood by Melissa Kruger
It’s All Under Control by Jennifer Lee

More Words to Encourage You

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

Sevens are all about imagination, hope, freedom, and joy. Sevens win the “Most Energetic on the Enneagram” award. You have friends galore. We just love hanging out with you … when we can get on your calendar and confirm your commitment. Sevens love busyness, which has as much to do with your need to chase joy as it does your drive to avoid pain.

Where You Shine in Parenting

As a mama, you love planning fun adventures for your kids. You instill in your children a sense of whimsy and joy. More than any other type, you remember what it’s like to be a kid. You are kind, silly, and creatively think up ways to increase the fun.

Where You Struggle in Parenting

Because you seek to avoid pain, you choose to go on adventures and stay busy. Your stamina probably outpaces your child’s endurance. Your kids may also find you unavailable to talk to because you like to go-go-go! Setting boundaries feels uncomfortable because you never want to see your kids hurt or disappointed. Also, the daily rhythm of housework, school, and kid routines may just drive you to overwhelm, which can morph into Angry Mom.

Healthy Habits

Sweet Seven Mama, you love chasing the joy, but do you realize that fullness of joy is found in God’s presence (Psalm 16:11)?
Take some time to reflect on your schedule. What are your current commitments? Are these activities life-giving to all the different personality types in your family? What can you cut out?
Ask God to help you find joy in the mundane because joy exists in Christ’s presence, and He is everywhere!