How never disappointing others hurts you

Our oldest has her heart set on starting a pet sitting business. She wants to care for dogs and cats, to show that she’s a responsible kid, and to seem older than her years convey. So in response to her idea, I asked her a couple of questions.

“Are there any pets that you wouldn’t take care of?” She said yes, but she struggled with how to tell the pet owner. She worried that her “no” would put them in a bind.

I also asked, “What would you do if we were on vacation when the pets needed sitting?” She answered that there may still be a way to help, even if we were out of town. After all, people needed her, and she worried they wouldn’t like her if her answer was “no.”

The heart of her answers is the heart of my anxiety for years: how can I keep everyone happy and never disappoint a soul?

I wish that I could reverse time and tell my younger self that life is full of disappointing others. When you don’t give people the answer they’re hoping for, you disappoint them…and that’s okay.

Over the years, I’ve learned that my need to never disappoint others stems from lies.

I believe that people hold more power than they actually do. When we say “no” to a request, we fear the reaction. “Fear exalts people and belittles God,” says John Flavel in Triumphing Over Sinful Fear. When we fear people, we believe that they, not God, hold the information, opportunities, and inclusivity we desire.

I believe that I’m not wholly loved, fully known, and completely approved of by my Savior. We know this information in our heads, but it isn’t sinking into our hearts. We don’t believe we could be wholly loved as we are right now.

As we seek to never disappoint others, we’re slowly hurting ourselves.

We love and serve with a depressed heart. As Lysa TerKeurst writes in The Best Yes, “those who constantly try to impress others will quickly depress themselves.”

We have an exhausted soul. We’re so busy trying to keep up and keep moving that our soul feels withered, dry, and spent.

We live an out-of-control life. When the requests of others dictate our decisions, we begin to live a reactive life, and we aren’t guided by our own values and priorities.

We learn from Caleb’s story in the old testament that living a life designed to never disappoint others isn’t the way of faith.

Forty-five years after Caleb explored the promised land with 11 other spies, he asked Joshua for the land Moses had promised him. (Joshua 14:7–12) At 85, Caleb was as strong as he was 40 years earlier because:
• He knew his calling and followed the Lord wholeheartedly.
• He lived out his belief in his promise-keeping God through his land report.
• He disappointed others by not conceding to their fear-based assessment.

The result of his life was not exhaustion but vigor. His heart wasn’t hurting, it was whole. His life wasn’t out-of-control life, it was aligned. Caleb’s life is proof that we may disappoint others as we focus on what we’ve been asked to do.

It’s easy to smile and nod when reading this post, but when our friend, PTA president, or pastor asks us to do something that we must say “no” to, it’s a totally different story.

So how do we apply these things to our right now lives?

We must understand our calling. Just as Caleb had a clear calling, you do too. The tricky part is staying on task and not being swayed by every request, demand, or invitation. Ask yourself if it’s in alignment with what God has called you to do. If you’re unsure, spend time in His Word, praying specifically about the request, and talking to God-centered friends.

We must repent of our fear of people. And while we’re at it, let’s repent of our fear of missing out. Our fear of people can only be relieved when it’s replaced by the fear of God. Let’s start with confessing God’s goodness and power. And then, let’s walk hour-by-hour trusting that He’s got this under control and that He won’t let us miss a thing we’re not supposed to.

We must remember who we are in Christ. So much of my energy is spent proving that I’m good and kind and helpful and together. But the good news is that Jesus already did the work. Let’s celebrate the gospel: our sins are nailed to the cross, and we bear them no more. The work is finished.

The gospel tells us that we’re wholly loved, fully known, and covered in grace, so we can then operate knowing that God is the one holding us together.

Because of her decision to pet-sit, our oldest is beginning to understand that disappointing others is a part of living on planet earth… and she’s not a fan. And truthfully, neither am I. Can we move forward together and make our decisions based on what God’s asked us to do, even if it includes disappointing others? We both know it’ll be worth it.