Two reasons I’m scared to go all in

At my alma mater Texas A&M, a university with a heritage of upholding traditions and honoring service to others, the worst insult you can hear is, “you’re such a 2-percenter.” It means that you don’t give back to campus life or tradition or give 100%. For an Aggie, this is the ultimate insult. My Aggie experience involved joining organizations and participating in virtually every tradition. I loved every minute. I wanted to experience 100% of what A&M had to offer.

Recently, I realized that being an Aggie is similar to being a Christian in a lot of ways—God calls me to 100%. He repeatedly says to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. He wants every part of me because it’s in my best interest, and He loves me so.

Jesus models this by giving and loving at 100%. He listens to my requests. His blood covers every sin. He can see into every place in my heart and the globe. He is the epitome of all in.

And yet, I’m not all in.

There is a part of me that is terrified to throw 100% of myself into the ring with Jesus. There’s a small part of me that I keep in reserve just in case this Jesus thing doesn’t work out.

God asks for my heart, soul, mind and strength, but I typically only hand over my brain—all that knowledge from Bible studies, all the rules I’ve memorized and created, and all the talking points to share the gospel. But to live at 100%, I have to give 100% and go all in, but that feels like a daunting task.

There are two reasons I’m scared to go all in.

1. God may ask me to meet people, do things, or go places that don’t fit my plan. I’m terrified of letting go of my life, and I’m not a fan of change.
2. I have a tendency to view my faith as performance art, meaning that I want to get it right, obey all the rules, and do all the things perfectly.

But God (my two favorite words) speaks to my fears.

He may ask me to meet people, do things, or go places that I never would have on my own. But His first priority for me is to know Him and to be known by Him, and He’ll use any situation to achieve this purpose. His goal is for me to work out my faith, not to keep me comfortable. When He works in my life in this way, He allows me to use the talents, gifts, and passions that He created in me 40 years ago, and in my discomfort, He’s with me.

God says faith is about learning and growing, it’s not a performance piece in perfection. Jesus said in Matthew 11:29, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me…” Learning is messy, and yet that’s what God has called me to do. As J.B. Phillips says in Your God is Too Small, “God is truly Perfection, but He is no Perfectionist.” So I don’t need to clean up my mess and then go to Him…I should go to Him to clean up the mess. He restores all things, and He delights in doing so.

It’s time for me to start living a 100% life, but how?

As an Achiever, I believe that I can do pretty much anything on my own, so my tendency is to begin creating an action plan for achieving a 100% life. But my “perfect freedom has become an anxious slavery.” (Phillips) I’m overwhelmed by my self-created religion, so I ask for God’s help: “Jesus, I have no idea how to live at 100%. Show me how today. Please.” Loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength is not something I can do on my own. I have to let go of doing it “right” and, instead, grab hold of obedience to His gentle lead.

As an Achiever, I also must adjust my view of God as a taskmaster or police officer (which is often how I treat myself). Instead, I remind myself of the true picture: while God is holy, He is also Father. Jesus’ yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Being a Christ-follower isn’t about getting it right or being sin-free, it’s about actually following Christ, which means talking to Him, listening to what He says, and obeying His word.

For me, it was easier to be an All-In Aggie than it is to be an All-In Follower of Christ. Thankfully, God doesn’t leave me to figure this out on my own. He wants me to know Him and to learn from Him, not perform for Him.