INSIDE: Being a mom is hard. Read on for four reasons that motherhood might be hard for you and where God meets you in the struggle.
Being a mom is hard for me. When I played with dolls as a little girl, I wouldn’t pretend to be their mommy. Instead, I would place them in a circle, teach lessons, and give them a grade in the grade book my mother bought at the local teacher supply store. So naturally, as an adult, my happy place was in a boardroom giving presentations, writing press releases and filling spreadsheets with metrics.
Motherhood was never in my comfort zone.
And yet, nine years into our marriage and nineteen months apart, Ryan and I welcomed two amazing girls into our family. I was officially a mother, but my Achieving nature didn’t go anywhere.
Being a mom is hard, given my high-achieving ways.
Motherhood is hard because it seems to require all the skills I lack. You know, like patience, kindness, gentleness, and wisdom. Mothering to me is like accounting to an interpretive dance major—they just don’t fit. Nurturing doesn’t come as naturally as productivity does, but motherhood isn’t about productivity.
It’s not easy for me to lack the skills necessary to be good at such an important role.
Motherhood is hard because it’s the ultimate act of service, and this Achiever is selfish in a deep way. When I have an agenda, temper tantrums don’t factor in, and yet, here we are. As mothers, we get less sleep than we need, we drive all over town, and we watch the movie we don’t want to watch (again) for the people we love. Mothers continually put others ahead of self.
It’s not easy for me to put others first.
Motherhood is hard because there are no metrics involved. When I worked outside the home, metrics validated that I was good at my job. As a mom, the feedback I receive depends on the mood of my constituents: breakfast was terrible, I cut the sandwich wrong, etc. In motherhood, there aren’t metrics, only emotional feedback that varies from “You’re the best mom ever” to “Why can’t I find another family?”
It’s not easy for me to not know where I stand.
Motherhood is hard because it all seems so gray. Yes, there are absolutes and best practices in parenting just like there are in every other industry. However, my demographics keep changing. Different stages and personalities require different tactics, timing, discipline, and boundaries. As soon as I figure it out, ages and stages change. All I want is a good “if this, then that” statement that works in every situation.
It’s not easy for me when things aren’t black and white.
And yet, when being a mom is hard, God meets me right where I am.
My mothering woes remind me of the story of Moses in the book of Exodus. Moses had plenty of objections when God commanded him to set His people free, and his objections sound like my own.
Who am I? When Moses asked God this question, He didn’t answer it. Instead, He promised Moses, “I’m here.”
In the same way, when we articulate how unworthy we feel, God promises to be with us. He partners with us in our strength and fills the gaps of our weaknesses. It doesn’t matter how we feel, the point is not our worthiness but that God is doing the work in us and through us.
Who are You? God answered Moses with the one of the greatest revelations of Himself: God shared His name: I AM.
We doubt God’s wisdom when we wonder why He would give us these precious children, the ones we think someone else could raise better. Make no mistake—God knew what He was doing when He gave our children to us. God knows our past, our family, our personality, and our financial situation, and He gave us our children anyway. He invites us to tasks beyond our natural ability because they aren’t beyond His.
I’m not _____. To this God answers with a very clear, “Look, Moses, I’m responsible for making you the way you are. And I don’t make mistakes. Besides, I am with you!”
We claim our deficiencies, but God finds our inadequacy irrelevant. God is in charge of our future and our children’s future. He alone is responsible for outcomes. I can talk all day about how I’m not a Good Mom, but that’s not what this is about. My life and my mothering are about God, who helps me parent and teaches me what to do.
I never pretended to be a mom as a kid, but it’s a role that I take seriously as an adult. When I stop making motherhood about me, the skills I lack, and my value, it becomes the perfect refiner’s fire. God is with me, and He chose me to do this work. It’ll never be easy, but it gets easier when I remember God is present.
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Hi again Jill! Visiting from H*W today! This post was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today! I’m a frustrated achiever as a SAHM. Yet I think that’s how God does His best work in me! In my frustration, He loosens my grip on the lie that achievements will fill me. Only He can satisfy that place in my soul.
Amen Allison! I wish that there was an easy fix or a less painful way for God to teach us the truth about Him and us, but that’s not always the way. He takes our weaknesses and uses them to show us who we are, and how much we need Him. – jill
Jill! This is everything 🙂 motherhood was never my main desire but it is certainly a wonderful path the Lord has placed us on.
Morgan, I totally get it! God knows how and when we need sanctifying and uses the cutest people in the world to help us. -jill
“Motherhood was never in my comfort zone.” Wow. That’s me. I only played with dolls because I liked to do their hair. I played ‘big sister’ rather than being a mom. And yet, I am blessed – yes, very blessed – with five children. I’ve often thought I just was not cut out to be a mom. I’m a perfectionist. I love to *think*. To work *alone*. To see results *quickly*. But motherhood is often about acting rather than thinking, and working together with my family, children’s voices that fill the house all day long, and me waiting patiently for the harvest that will come after a long season of sowing. But God has helped me grow in this area, by his grace. “My life and my mothering are about God, who helps me parent and teaches me what to do.” So true. Thank you for this <3
Anne, oh sister! How I relate to 100% of everything you said: thinking, alone-ness, quick results. You’re talking my language. But God is so good to love us where we are, but not to leave us there, but to draw us closer to Him. Our lives are testament to that! – jill
Thank you for this perspective, Jill! I’m a teacher turned SAHM so I feel a lot of the same frustrations. I love being home w/ my boys, but there’s a lot I miss about the professional life also. But you are so right, God truly knows what He is doing in where He has us. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Kate, I know exactly what you’re talking about. The boardroom, not the playroom, is my happy place. Motherhood is hard for me because it reveals every weakness I never knew I had. I thought I was patient and kind and loving, and then I had kids. Now I know that God is refining those qualities in me through two of the cutest faces in the world. God is so loving to reveal to us where we need to grow and to do through the precious smiles and loving arms of our kids. -jill
Jill, this was for me. I finally don’t feel so wrong about my “motherhoof feelings.” I love my precious girls. It is so much more than I expected. My plans and what makes me feel achieved takes even longer. I ask God why he thought I was ready for this. I wonder how and when I can work on my dream of writing and speaking. I’m used to “go, go, go” in a different way. I need to remember God is with me. I love what you wrote about refiners fire. Thank you!
Ashley, friend, I totally get it. God gives us dreams, but He also gives us limits sometimes in the form of people who need us and love us like crazy. God is with you. He is for you, and He never sets up you to fail. -jill
Yes! Going from being a civil litigation to a SAHM was so hard for me bc I no longer had those metrics. At work, I had a spreadsheet keeping up with exactly how much money I brought into the firm on a weekly/monthly basis. My husband very nicely told me after a couple of months that I didn’t have to give him a list of all the things I had done at the end of the day. I had to explain to him that I actually needed that!
Dana, I 100% understand that! It was so hard for me to shift from a metrics-and-productivity-based environment to one that was about relationship. But God is so good and gracious to meet us where we are, to take our hand when we extend it to Him, and lead us right where we need to go. – jill
* civil litigation attorney! See, my brain is going already!