A try-hard girl gives common-sense grace: Melissa Radke

When I first read Melissa’s book Eat Cake. Be Brave*, I knew — just knew — that you would cherish her wisdom and sense of humor. Melissa is a former session singer in Nashville, and is now a wife, mom, speaker, writer, vlogger, and all-around hilarious woman back in Texas. She’s struggled with infertility, body image, and knowing her purpose. So yes, she’s just like you and me, expect that her family of four has an unscripted family sitcom premiering soon on USA Network.

Keep reading to the end to learn how you could win a free copy of her book Eat Cake. Be Brave.*

* The FCC requires that I tell you that I’m an Amazon Affiliate, which means I earn a bit of commission on each sale. But don’t worry there’s no added cost to you!

How did you move away from performing for your worth and toward receiving grace?

You want to know what is hilarious about this question? I answered it right off the bat by writing, “Well, to be frank, I don’t really have that issue…” and then ever-so-humorously the Holy Spirit nudged me and just said, “Hmmmmm….let’s take another stab at that, shall we?”

So ON SECOND THOUGHT, I would like to change my answer to: Age. Age and maturity. I performed all of my life. I performed as a child and then as a student, and then in college and later in Nashville and heck, I’m still performing. But I am no longer performing for my worth.

I quit doing that about five years ago.

And not because I read a book on it and not because I had some revelation from God, but because I got to an age where it just didn’t suit me anymore. I was too tired and it was too expensive. Finally, I laid aside performing for value and chose, rather, to perform because it’s what I was created to do. Man, the release!

Once I started doing that I felt God say to me, “I have been waiting for the day when you would come to that realization in your life. Finally. Now we can get down to business.” To start doing what you were made to do, simply because it brings you joy? Novel idea.

What would you say to encourage the woman who has a really loud inner critic, who feels she’s not doing life “right,” and who thinks she’s just not good enough?

I would tell her to take out a piece of paper and a pen, and write a letter to herself from her 8-year old self. You think I’m crazy don’t you? But this was an exercise that I did a few weeks back with a group of people in a therapeutic setting and I cannot tell you how freeing it was for so many of us.

Think about it, your 8-year old self wanted nothing from you; they were uninhibited and free and just coming in to their personality and likes and dislikes, just able to speak up for themselves and be heard. So we all sat down and reflected for a moment on what our 8-year old self might say to us, if they were to write us a letter, and I am here to tell you…your younger self is not hard on you. Your older self is!

The younger you is full of grace and patience and love, they don’t know how to criticize and they don’t know how to play mind games. They don’t care about being good enough or fitting in or getting it all right all the time. And it was so telling to hear from me, at that age. I remembered how much I liked myself at 8, before I gained the weight, before I failed at things, before I lied, before I judged, before I was rejected.

And so I let her speak, I wrote down what I thought she would say to me. And she loved me. She loved me and was kind to me and was proud of me. And in that exercise, on that day, with those people, we all realized something…the only person we really and truly want to be pleased with us (other than Christ) – when we lay our heads on our pillows at night – is us.

WE want to like US. And we did. We did like us. We actually liked us a lot. Your younger self is not as hard on you, as you are.

Think about that. I felt really proud of me after I completed that exercise. We should all have a moment where we feel that kind of unconditional love and acceptance – from within.

How has God helped you trust His grace and love for you?

I heard a quote the other day, “Nothing happens TO us, but everything happens FOR us.” If you had told me that quote in the middle of infertility, if you had told me that quote in the throws of depression, if you had told me that quote after burying a child – I would have punched you in the nose.

So please don’t say that to someone at their most vulnerable, because those people are just waiting, hoping, that God will show up.

But this I can tell you with 100% certainty: GOD. WILL. SHOW. UP.

He has shown up for me in my pain, in my healing, in my understanding, in my counseling, in my marriage, in my parenting, in my grief.

Every time and without fail.

I do not have any mistrust for Him. I believe with all my heart that He is FOR me and not against me. The question is, “Would I have ever known that without the pain?” Probably not. Those scars, those trials, those heartaches were for my good. Now you see why I liked that quote so much.

What counsel would you give to the woman who wants to live a life of grace, but is having a hard time moving away from doing all-the-things, in an attempt to prove her value?

Right now, in my life and family, I am watching what happens when someone has spent over half of their life working / performing / ministering / teaching / leading / worshipping / friending / chaperoning for the Kingdom because they thought it is what made them special and it is what brought them love and it is why people wanted to be around them. And it was their life; it was their full-time, 24/7, identity.

Until it wasn’t anymore.

Until other people grew into leadership and began to take over (which is what SHOULD happen.) Now we are watching as this person spirals down because who are they now? What are they supposed to do now? Where are they supposed to go?

And so they are learning, at 64, that value was never in what she could do. It was always in who she was.

Unfortunately, she gave everything to what she could do. And now she has no clue who she is. It is the saddest thing you’ve ever seen. I wish someone had taken her hands at 34 years old and said, “None of this matters. Inevitably someone will come along who can make a better cupcake, teach a better lesson, plan a better women’s event, write a better article, and when they do – it doesn’t reflect on you, my friend. Because you were always more than cupcakes and lessons and craft nights. You were always so much more than that.”

So if I could say anything to those women I would say, “You are so much more than what you are doing. So so so much more. Your value is not determined. It is set. It is non-negotiable. So don’t work for it. You don’t need to! Just receive it. And sit back and watch Netflix without shame, mama.”

You talk about being brave, showing up, and doing the hard work in your book “Eat Cake. Be Brave.” What would you say to the woman who’s having a hard time doing that?

Be brave, show up, do the hard work; by themselves those things are hard. But together? They seem impossible. And I get that, I really do.

But I am living proof that it is possible.

I am living proof that it is possible to say “I want more,” and then work your tail off to get it. Why do we feel bad to say we want more? Why do we feel bad to come to the realization that life is about more than picking up kids and making tacos on Tuesday and doing a face mask once a week? I felt ashamed to say that I wanted more. I don’t feel ashamed anymore. I didn’t ask anyone’s permission. And I don’t regret a thing.

And here’s why I don’t: because all along the way, every time I stepped out of my comfort zone, and every time I went to counseling and worked to improve myself, and every time I replaced a lie the world had said about me with the truth that God had said about me, and every time I just freakin’ showed up, I would say to God, “Please. Be in this. I cannot do this without you. I cannot do any of this, not one bit of it, without you.”

And without fail I would hear Him say, “This is the way, walk in it.” And if I didn’t hear Him say that? I WOULD TURN AROUND. I refused to make a move without my hand in His. So to the woman who is having a hard time: you are not alone, you were never alone. He is there for every bit of it. His hand in yours.

And if that doesn’t make you brave…I don’t know what will!

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