A try-hard girl gives common-sense grace: Kim Fredrickson

Here’s a try-hard girl sharing some common-sense grace! I knew that I’d found a mentor and companion in my parenting journey when I heard her dispense wisdom on the God-Centered Mom Podcast. Then I read her book Give Your Kids a Break, and I just knew that Kim must share her truths about compassion with us try-hard girls. (The FCC requires that I tell you that I’m an Amazon Affiliate, which means I earn a bit of commission on each sale. But don’t worry there’s no added cost to you!)

Her wisdom comes from 30+ years as a marriage and family therapist She recently retired from her counseling practice when diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, a terminal lung disease that developed as a rare complication from the chemotherapy and radiation she received for breast cancer. She wrote her book about parenting as a gift to her own grown children to help them raise grandchildren Kim might never meet. Talk about grace. Now, let’s talk with Kim all about how to give grace to her hurting hearts. Ya ready? Let’s dig in!

How did you move away from performing for your worth and toward receiving grace?

Honestly, it was an intellectual decision. When I was a teenager, I noticed that girls who were thin and blond were given more worth and value than girls like me who were short and pudgy. I’m a pragmatic person, and this just made no sense to me. I could see how valuable my friends and I were and remember thinking that this way of assessing worth was just wrong and untrue.

This became even more clear to me as a therapist. Those I counseled ran the gamut of socioeconomic status, professional accomplishments and achievements. Regardless of the outside package, all of us struggle for a variety of reasons. We are precious creations of God, who are imperfect, and fall short. At the same time, we are all of great worth and value. We all deserve grace.

What would you say to encourage the woman who isolates herself from feeling her hurt and pain by being busy, by looking for outside recognition, or by always trying harder?

I would approach her with compassion, saying something like this, “I know you are struggling for really good reasons. You’re hurting and in pain. It’s so hard to feel, and you are trying to push that pain away by being busy, trying harder, and looking for proof you are of value. I understand, and believe you are doing the best you can, with the skills you have, to temper the pain you are feeling inside.

There is good news. There is a way to learn how to be kind to yourself about your struggles and imperfections. You can get help to work through the hurt inside a bit at a time, and you can be a support to yourself in the process.”

How about telling yourself, “I didn’t realize how normal it is for me to turn away from the hurt I’m feeling inside. I haven’t known what to do with the pain inside so of course I’ve tried to keep busy and just try harder. I’m unsure what to do instead, but it’s encouraging to know I can turn my inner critic into a compassionate friend and learn ways to work through the pain and insecurities I feel inside. I’m a lovely person who doesn’t have it all together. That’s okay, that’s how everyone is. I can learn new ways to be extend grace to myself and accept the grace God has for me.”

What counsel would you give to the woman who wants to move away from working for her worth and toward a life of rest and grace?

I would say, “I know it is scary to even think about set aside the ways you use to prove your worth and value. It’s hard to turn toward a life of rest and grace when you don’t quite know what to do this. The good news is we learn one step at a time. You don’t have to do it perfectly. Your mistakes are opportunities to reach toward yourself.

How about next time you make a mistake you ask yourself what you would say to a good friend if they made the same mistake? My guess is you would be able to encourage your friend, seeing the bigger picture, and extend her grace.

When we apply both grace and truth to ourselves, we take a look at what we did wrong without saying it’s no big deal, or saying it was a disaster. Applying self-compassion helps us handle our humanness and the situations we are in with empathy, concern, understanding and kindness. It also gives us the grace to accept, correct and let go of our mistakes.

Try saying these words of understanding and compassion to yourself: “Don’t worry if you don’t know much about being kind to yourself in the face of failure. Most people don’t… and you can learn. Please remember, you are enough. You can love your imperfect self. God doesn’t expect you to be more than you are. It’s never too late to grow and change. You are precious, valuable and are deserving of love and forgiveness. Take a deep breath and soak in that, You Are Enough.”

How did you come to be such an advocate for being compassionate for ourselves?

As a counselor for over 30 years, I noticed how hard my clients were on themselves when they failed, made mistakes, made poor decisions, or couldn’t foresee the future. I could see how much they needed to learn a way to be kind and compassionate with themselves.

My heart went out to them because I saw them through such different eyes. I saw good people who were doing their best to deal with life. They sometimes succeeded and sometimes failed—just like all of us. What got them into trouble weren’t their failures, but what they did with them.

Many, but not all, of my clients had a strong belief in God and knew they were forgiven for their sins. However, even with this head knowledge, they didn’t always feel forgiven. Instead they felt like they either had to continue to punish themselves for what they’d done, or try harder to make up for their mistakes because they had no way to let them go.

What they needed was a concrete way to develop a kind and compassionate relationship with themselves. They needed to learn ways to care for and relate to themselves the way God does…with love, grace and truth.

As I taught my clients about faith based self-compassion, they grew emotionally, spiritually and relationally. They began to understand themselves, care for themselves, and talk to themselves as they would to a good friend who was struggling. They began a life-changing process of turning their inner critic into a compassionate friend.