Here’s wise counsel from pastor and writer Kevin A. Thompson, the lead pastor of Community Bible Church, a multi-site church in Fort Smith, Arkansas. You’d be remiss not to visit his daily blog focusing on leadership, marriage, and parenting (specifically parenting a child with special needs) at kevinathompson.com. Kevin’s wife, Jenny, is the owner of Forte Media Partners, a full-service media and marketing company based in Fort Smith. He’s a graduate of Beeson Divinity School of Samford University and Oklahoma Baptist University.
Oh, and his second book, Friends Partners and Lovers, launches today!
Achievers are those who depend more on themselves and less on the God of amazing grace. How does self-reliance negatively impact marriage?
An exaggerated form of self-reliance is a hidden danger in marriage. On the surface it sounds like an ingredient for a perfect partner, but in reality it can prevent intimacy. When a couple says “I do,” they can fairly assume access to the whole heart of their spouse. Yet when one partner has an over-reliance on self, they are tempted to withhold parts of themselves. They hide their insecurities, deny their needs, and are so focused on doing that they can struggle to simply be. The result is a relationship that isn’t truly transparent and connected. Their partner can feel cut off or just another line-item on a lengthy to-do list.
How can we practically lay down this self-reliance?
Self-reliance is a great gift when exercised in its proper context. The problem arises when we experience success and then falsely assume dependence on self is the key to every area of life. We must celebrate the value of achievement while also appreciating our need to rely on others. A healthy marriage is built on giving and receiving love. An inability to receive love robs our spouse of a great privilege in marriage. An Achiever must allow herself to receive love and support. She must carve out time where she refuses to achieve. An Achiever should make it a continual pursuit to understand, practice, and appreciate Sabbath.
What counsel would you give the Achiever who believes that she has to do more to be more, that her worth is something she earns, and who fears failing, as she is a partner to her husband?
Part of what makes marriage difficult for an Achiever is that marriage guarantees failure. In a healthy marriage, failure allows a couple to give and receive mercy. However, when one (or both) spouses are not able to receive mercy, the relationship can struggle. An Achiever should embrace that marriage as the ultimate training ground in which God desires to transform her heart. He will allow her to fail in order to show her a love that is stronger than her failure. This is an area where a couple can compete in trying to out love one another (consider Romans 12:10). A continual pattern of failure, mercy received, and mercy given will transform our hearts to be more like Jesus.
You share that apathy is the number one cause of divorce. How can we guard against it?
The anecdote to apathy is intention. The great news for an Achiever is that she’s hard-wired toward intention. The challenge will be to direct that intention toward a healthy marriage rather than taking their relationship for granted and putting all their effort toward achieving other things. Most Achievers are score-keepers. They can redirect their score-keeping toward healthy characteristics of marriage—have we had three meaningful conversations this week, have I put my spouse before another responsibility this week, etc.
Achievers are NOT known for their graciousness to themselves or others. How can an Achiever become more gracious to herself or to her spouse? Why is grace important in a marriage?
I love the question—an Achiever asks “How can I achieve more grace?” You can’t. Grace isn’t achieved; it’s received. Herein lies the challenge for someone who believes everything must be produced and earned. The only way to give more grace is to receive more grace. As we appreciate what God has done for us, we extend that grace to others. Grace received always becomes grace given. When we fail to give grace, it’s evidence that we are not receiving grace.
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