What my daughter taught me about rules and why I have a love-hate relationship with them.
One year, our daughter came home from school saying that her teacher had a lot of rules. She told me that there were four rules for how to stand in line and that, “We have to look at our teacher when she talks. And when we talk to others, we have to look at others, and speak in a confident voice.”
As a mom, I love these life-skill-building rules. But as an Achiever, rules can be a source of shame: a reminder that I’m not perfect and don’t always measure up.
As Achievers, we have a weird relationship with rules.
We love rules because they provide an objective measure to see how well we’re doing, and a mechanism to evaluate how not-so-good others are doing. But we hate rules too because they cause us shame and remind us that we aren’t perfect.
If we don’t follow the rules or if we’re corrected, we spiral downward quickly. We berate ourselves that we should have known better, that we are horrible people, and that we have got to get it together… and quickly.
Because of this weird relationship with rules, I also have a hard time with the law of the Spirit (Romans 8:2). I believe that I am saved by faith, but it is up to me to live it out.
The problem is that I’ve created a list of “rules” to follow to be a good Christian, employee, friend, mom, and wife.
Here’s where the rules get tricky: I find these commands in the Bible itself. For example, in the book of James, here are some of the rules James suggest we follow:
- Be happy when you have troubles.
- Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do.
- Love your enemy.
- Be slow to speak and quick to listen.
- Be an ambassador for Christ while being patient, loving, and kind.
My first thought? James, you have got to be kidding me.
When I try to do all these things on top of my own self-imposed list of rules, I fail. Then I view the list as a source of shame and a reminder that I’m not perfect and don’t always measure up. So I do one of two things: (1) try to bootstrap my way back into rule-following or (2) give up entirely. So what’s an Achiever to do?
My first step when I feel overwhelmed is to ask a question.
“Jesus, what do you want me to do right now?” I give myself permission to ask Him for help, then I listen and obey. I believe that I know all the answers so asking for help, even divine help, is hard for me. As a person who believes that she is all-sufficient, I find it hard to believe that weakness is strength. But Paul tells me this in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that my weakness is a vessel for which Christ’s strength can rest on me and impact others.
My second step is to remember a truth spoken over and over again in the Bible.
For every command in the Bible, the author assumes that we are in a relationship with Jesus who is the source of our strength. At no time did Jesus ever ask us to go it alone. Instead, over and over He tells us that He is with us. From the first book to the last, God repeatedly reminds us that He will not forsake us. For crying out loud, one of His many names is Immanuel meaning God With Us.
God never meant for you to go this Christian life alone. He wants you to be with Him so He can fill you, restore you, love you, and be with you.
My third step is to remember that any rules taken out of context of God’s Big Story lead to trouble.
As Sally Lloyd-Jones says in The Story of God’s Love for You, “Now, some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn’t do… But the Bible isn’t mainly about you and what you should be doing. It’s about God and what He has done.” Any commands I read must be taken in the context as given by a God rooted in love for me, a love that took itself to the cross.
My daughter doesn’t like rules because she’s a kid. Achievers don’t like them because they can produce shame and remind us of imperfections. God’s commands aren’t the enemy. My interpretation that I have to do it all without divine help is. I don’t have to conjure up the strength to obey all the rules because Jesus is with me.
Oh my, you hit it on the nail. I am such a rule follower.