I was done. The girls were bickering relentlessly, and my response was not to use this as a teachable moment or to pray. Instead, I threw my hands in the air and blasted, “Mommy is cranky. I’m hot and tired. And I need you to leave.” This was all true, but it wasn’t handled with kindness, gentleness, or self-control. It was handled through a shame-filter, which started an emotional downward spiral, and produced thoughts that needed to be locked up.
Something was going on in my heart. The good news is that I can do something about it.
Shame starts my spiral.
Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as the “intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.” Oh sister, I get it and so did Adam and Eve when they disobeyed God, felt shame, and hid first behind fig leaves and then trees.
The devil, the shame-inciting accuser, whispers these untruths to my heart:
“Good moms don’t yell at their kids like you did.”
“Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. I guess your heart is t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e.”
“How in the world did God give these kids to you? And what are you doing writing about grace? Who do you think you are?”
Even when I intellectually understand that the devil is lying to me, my heart is still listening. Sister, can you relate?
After shame, emotions enter the scene.
Once the shame kicks in, the waves of the emotion ocean pummel me: overwhelm, anger, frustration. My brain feels shame is attacking me and I’m in fight-or-flight mode. I’m assualted by shame and all I want is to defend myself. All this sounds terrible, but there’s good news:
“We don’t have to believe every passing thought or emotion as real and true. We can decide which thoughts are worth paying attention to and which are not,” Kristin Neff writes in Self-Compassion.
Okay, but let’s be real, when the adrenaline is pumping and the girls are arguing about who gets to put sprinkles on the cupcakes (or whatever), I find it hard to analyze every thought/feeling. My emotions lead to some negative patterns.
After the shame-assault and emotional-overwhelm, my thoughts kick my situation up a notch.
Two things happen after my emotions spiral downward:
1. I act out of Achiever Mode that believes that Jesus’ final words on the cross were “Make me proud” instead of “It is finished.”(a) My shame about my imperfection and sin drives me to clamp down and get it together.
2. I start doubting God’s love for me. When I recall that God delights in me, that He sees me and is pleased, I mutter, Yeah, right under my breath. It’s the easiest thing in the world to forget that in the midst of sin and shame, I have new mercies and unconditional love.
I’m learning that when we feel shame, it’s crucial to be intentional about taking my thoughts captive.
My thoughts will lead me down a trail of discouragement and defeat if I let them, and Jesus knows that. Paul exhorts us to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)
I’m beginning to think of my thoughts as toddlers: they want to run wild and free with no restraint while they wreak havoc…and there’s no way they’re going in time out.
My shame is asking me who I think I am. My emotions are signaling that I’m overwhelmed. My thoughts are telling me I’m a bad mom and that God doesn’t really love me as I’m stinking all this up.
I start to question my identity. Achiever-Friends, this is a classic spiritual battle if I ever saw one.
There’s a spiritual battle going on. In my head. For my heart.
The reality of my thought-life is this: my issues are spiritual ones, so I can’t fight a spiritual battle with willpower and a formula/strategy for external behavior. Paul reminds us that the weapons we possess as Christ-followers are spiritual, and they can be used to demolish every stronghold (2 Corinthians 10:4).
I’ve got to accept the reality that things are hard, that I’m very much in need of help, and then cry to my God who is ready and willing to step in. In other words, prayer is the most important tool I have, and here’s the one on repeat in my brain: “Jesus help me.” That’s it. ’Cause my brain can’t handle much more than those three words.
Once the dust has settled, these three tools help me continue the fight.
God made your brain, heart, and mind highly complex. It has proved extremely helpful to me to have these three tools in my toolkit so I can more clearly separate truth from lie. And remember, sweet friend, to give yourself grace as you learn this new way of capturing thoughts.
- Ask yourself: Through which of these 10 filters am I thinking? (I get caught in the first filter every time…)
- Ask yourself these questions: What’s a lie I’m telling myself? What’s the reality? What’s the real truth? What can I thank God for right now? (b)
- Remember that God loves you a crazy amount. He’s ready to forgive what needs forgiving, and to restore you in the process.
Achiever-Friends, parenting is hard for me, which is exactly where I’m attacked and exactly where I see God’s work the most clearly. I’m not naturally kind, patient, or nurturing – cue mom-shame. Every day, throughout the day we’re attacked by the whispers of the father of lies, yet we’re still inclined to believe him.
I’m here to say that you and I don’t have to listen to that liar anymore. Our only job is to take those thoughts captive by calling for help. Achiever-Friends, let’s train ourselves to take those thoughts captive. We’ve got this.
(a) Jeannie Cunnion in Parenting the Wholehearted Child; (b) Holley Gerth’s You’re Loved No Matter What
Jill, This is such an excellent article. I am printing this one out for my own reference and sharing it, too. You have taken a difficult subject and made it so understandable. I’ve seen this same Achiever Friend cycle in my life and believed the lies, too. Praise the Lord that He can carry us through that and bring us out on the other side so that when the attacks come we are more prepared the next time!
Leslie: Yes– praise God that He carries us through and brings us out on the other side. He is our refuge and strength for sure.