How do I feel shame? Let me count the ways.
I feel shame when I see a man in his 60s on a run while I’m on my daily power walk.
I’m ashamed when my housekeeping doesn’t meet my own standards, permission slips are misplaced, and dinner is dilatory … again.
I feel shame over past sin I cannot reverse yet cannot repair.
You and I experience shame on a daily basis, but grace says shame is not yours to carry. For the next several weeks, you and I will plunge into all the ways grace transforms and applies to your real life, i.e. what grace says about trying and failing. If you live with a low-grade, right-beneath-the-surface level of regret, self-reproach, and shame, this post is for you.
So what is shame?
Shame is that painful feeling that something is wrong with you, that you are — in some way– inadequate and worthless. The byproduct of shame is fear: fear that others will discover you just don’t measure up.
Our modern-day phrase, “I’m The Worst _______,” expresses our shame. For example, you might say, “I’m The Worst mom because I yell at my kids and don’t keep a clean house.” Or “I’m The Worst friend because I forgot to call Anne on her birthday and haven’t seen Melissa in weeks.” Or “I’m The Worst Christian because I haven’t been to church in forever and I stopped serving altogether.”
What triggers shame?
Shame comes from one of three areas:
1. You feel shame because of your messy past.
Your past may involve events and decisions that you’d prefer to keep tucked away: the terminated pregnancy, how you sought love and acceptance in hurtful ways, how you raised a child before you knew God so you grieve when you read “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
2. You feel shame because you feel like you fall short meeting expectations.
Your internal expectations sound like, “I should be a better housekeeper/salesperson/business owner” or “A good mom would make every meal from scratch.” Your internal expectations come from your inner critic and harp on areas where you feel insecure.
Your external expectations sound like, “Mom, you need to come play with me RIGHT NOW” or “Our family always celebrates the holiday this way. So what dish will you bring?” Your external expectations come from others. These expectations seem to push other’s values and agendas onto you. Then you feel guilty when you’re not meeting expectations you don’t even care about.
3. You feel shame because you believe you should be self-sufficient (but you know you’re not).
You believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness and failure (two feelings we cannot stand). Being dependent on others is a flaw or a simple lack of planning, capacity, or foresight on your part. Trusting someone else to help you seems like submitting to a fate worse than death because it’s a clear indication that you’re not enough.
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What impact does shame have on your life?
Y’all, shame devastates every aspect of your life: how you view and treat yourself, your relationship with others, and your relationship with God.
Shame impacts how you view and treat yourself. Heather Davis Nelson writes in Unashamed, that “Shame becomes internalized self-hatred.” What a bold statement! She’s basically saying that shame metastasizes into hate. Because of your sin, past, or inability to meet expectations, you convince yourself that you’re not worthy of anything: forgiveness, joy, hope, love, acceptance.
In reaction to this self-hatred and worthlessness, you wear the masks of perfectionism, self-sufficiency, service, and spiritual disciplines. Shame causes you to hide. It simulatenously, becomes your taskmaster, driving you to produce, hustle, and over-compensate to make up for your perceived “deficiencies.”
Shame impacts your relationship with others. Curt Thompson writes in Anatomy of the Soul, that “Although shame is primarily about me, it invariably involves others by virtue of creating greater distance between us.”
Friend, shame is a distance-maker. It disconnects you from others either because you hide your true self from others or because you accuse, respond defensively, try to escape blame, deny responsibility, and judge others. Ummm… last I checked, none of those behaviors endears you to others.
Shame impacts your relationship with God. A 2016 Lifeway devotional said this, “Shame distorts our identity in Christ. It refuses to trust in God’s grace, forgiveness and restoration.”
Keep in mind that God doesn’t pull away from you when you feel shame. Instead, you step back because you view God as unsafe, disappointed, and a merciless judge waiting to pounce on your failures.
Shame tells you that you can’t accept forgiveness (you’re not worth it), that you’re too far beyond God’s grace (your sins are more powerful than God’s grace), and the mess you made cannot be restored (your past sins are irreconciable). Shame markets these lies to your heart.
And friend, don’t believe a single one of them.
How do you put an end to shame?
Shame tells you it’s so powerful and omnipresent that it cannot possibly be removed from your life. Yet, that’s not what grace says.
Grace says shame is not yours to carry.
Grace says Jesus nailed your sins to the cross and you bear them no more.
Grace says God doesn’t need an unblemished canvas to create a masterpiece.
Grace says shame doesn’t exist in the light of God’s complete, overwhelming, and eternal presence.
To put an end to shame, be diligent to fill your mind with truth and to act according to that truth.
Bring these truths to your mind when shame closes in.
Christ extinguished shame on the cross. Hebrews 12:2 tells us that because of the joy Jesus set before Him, He conquered the cross’s humiliation.
Edward Welch writes this in When People are Big and God is Small, “God extends His compassion and His mighty, rescuing arm to take away shame. Jesus both experienced shame and took our shame on Himself, so shame no longer defines us.”
God’s throne of grace is ready to receive you. God desires that you confidently come to Him so you can receive the mercy and grace He lavishly provides (Hebrews 4:16). His grace is greater than your sin. You don’t need to slink up to His throne, approach from a side door, or grovel your way into God’s presence. Sweet friend, run to God on good days and bad days, not because of your awesomeness, but because of Christ’s righteousness.
God offers forgiveness for every sin, every time. While you and I may quantify sin in levels, e.g. “Not too bad,” “Everyone’s doing it” or “Well, it’s not like I killed anybody,” God does not parse sin into levels. Every sin separates us from Him. You cannot change your past sin, but your sins are always forgiveable when you confess them (1 John 1:9).
Implement these actions when shame closes in.
You and I need to know the truth about shame and God. Then we must turn that knowledge into action. Here’s your action plan when shame tries to horn it’s way into your life:
Confess your sins. Confess your sins to God, throwing all your weight on Who He is, trusting in His gentle nature. The first step to banishing shame and receiving grace is to confess (1 John 1:9).
Accept God’s forgiveness. You may trend toward pushing God’s forgiveness away or dredging up the shame and guilt over and over again, but God says His forgiveness is available and free for the taking (Ephesians 1:7).
Build intimacy with God through prayer and reading God’s Word. If you’re ready to defeat shame, snuggle up close to God (James 4:8). When you’re nestled under His protective wing, shame has a hard time finding a way into your heart and mind.
Ask God to show you how much He loves and cherishes you. When you doubt your worth, value, and adequacy, ask God to remind you in a clear and personal way how much He loves you and delights in you (Zephaniah 3:17).
Try-Hard Girl, grace says shame is not yours to bear.
How do you feel shame? I bet you can count all the ways. But don’t.
Instead, be a woman who quits carrying shame around because it’s heavy, ill-fitting, and a load you’re not designed to carry.
Recommended books about shame
- Anatomy of the Soul by Dr. Curt Thompson
- Emotional Agility by Dr. Susan David
- Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
- Fervent by Priscilla Shirer
- Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff
- Unashamed by Heather Davis Nelson
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