INSIDE: How can you get a grip on teenagers’ screen time without becoming hypervigilant and obsessive? What does it look like to monitor screen time with grace? Read on.
When I think about my teenage girls being on devices, the picture that comes to mind isn’t good. I imagine my girls playing on the beach without a care in the world while I stand up, facing the ocean, only to see the biggest wall of water rising up before me. Compared to the size of the wall of water, I’m the size of an ant (and so are my girls), virtually powerless against the wave of the internet about to crash down and swallow up my girls, separating us from each other, leaving them swirling and disoriented, unable to know up from down.
Melodramatic? Maybe. And yet it feels so true.
You don’t need me to tell you that the internet, social media, and screen time wreak havoc on this generation (and ours too!). Study after study after warning does the job for me.
This summer, we’re diving into our Gracious Summertime Strategies series based on a reader survey of where we struggle. We’ve walked through our feelings and expectations around summer, how to manage our screen time, and how to connect with our people. Today, we’re walking through how to get a grip on our teenagers’ screen time without becoming a weirdo vigilante.
Here’s our reality about teenagers’ screen time
- Screens, phones, and social media aren’t going anywhere.
- Our teens use their phones not only for scrolling but also as connection points with friends and to communicate with work and extracurriculars.
- We can’t possibly monitor what they watch and how they interact online every second of the day.
So how can we graciously handle our teenagers’ screen time? Because…
Our goal as moms is to teach, model, and care for our kids’ hearts and minds without shaming them and becoming an unsafe place. We are moms who want to keep our kids safe AND maintain connection with them. Friends, we’re walking the tightrope of enforcing rules + holding hard conversations while loving them well and continuing to be a place they turn to in times of trouble. This is how the Father loves us: He perfectly maintains the plane of love with wings of justice and grace.
Here are five big-picture ways to navigate your teenagers’ screen time without being a weirdo vigilante:
1. Ask yourself in the light of Christ, what fears you hold around screen time. Do you fear your teen being bullied or groomed? Do you fear that they’ll access pornography? Do you fear them mixing in with the wrong crowd? Do you worry about their eyesight? How social media impacts brain development or curtails learning normal social behavior in the real world? Write down any and every fear you can think of. Bringing our fears into the light helps us develop a game plan and strategy instead of worrying about nebulous, nameless, generalized fears.
2. You’re playing the long game. As much as it feels as if we’re playing whack-a-mole o get our kids off screens, we are actually training them to establish emotionally healthy life-long habits that will serve them well. Yes, you’re monitoring the number of minutes they spend online each day, AND ALSO, you’re helping your teen establish healthy boundaries and parameters around phone usage that will follow them through adulthood.
3. The real enemy is not your teenager or even his/her phone or social media. Our real enemy is not against flesh and blood but against “evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). If we are going to get frustrated at anyone in relation to our teens and screens, let’s get angry at our enemy and is methods.
4. Our goal as parents is not to shame our kids into submission and less screen time but to guide them using emotionally healthy methods. We do not need to resort to fear, shame, or condemnation when we talk to our teens about their screen time. We certainly can point out and make known the dangers of being online and how to know who they can trust and what’s safe and appropriate usage. However, we do not want to make our teens fearful of our reactions to their mistakes or to shame them with our finger-wagging about how much they look at their phones. Bring your concerns and thoughts into the light without degrading their character. We are parenting for the long haul, which means we want to approach screen time now in a way that our kids will continue to open up and share with us.
5. Hold each other accountable. Two weeks ago, we walked through how to handle our own screen time, so we know we’re not navigating screen time well, either. Teens smell hypocrisy from a mile away, a.k.a. a kitchen table away. Let us practice what we preach. Let’s walk alongside our student. Let’s share where we struggle with being on our phones and check in with each other, which might go something like this, “Hey, I was on my phone for five hours a day last week. I want to cut that down to four. How long were you on last week? How can I help support you as you lower that number?”
Here are five super-practical ways to help get a grip on your teenagers’ screen time
1. Watch The Social Dilemma together. When my girls understood how social media companies viewed their attention and presence as commodities, they were less than thrilled. This is an eye-opening look at how social media is designed to capture and keep our attention for the sake of the dollar.
2. Recognize that all screen time isn’t equal. While I’m not a fan of my girls scrolling Instagram for hours on end, I do see the value of texting for the purposes of connecting with work and friends, plus updates about their extracurricular activities. It’s unrealistic to expect my girls to tell me what they’re doing on their phones every time they hop on; I will occasionally ask for clarification of what and why they are on their phones. If Daughter #1 is checking her work schedule, great. If she’s been on an app for 45 minutes, it’s not cool.
3. Ask them how long they’ve been online. Five minutes on their phone is too much for me. I’m not a fan of phone usage at all. (I know, I know, Jesus and I are working through this!) My hatred for devices often translates into an exaggerated sense of time and melodramatic, sweeping statements such as, “You’ve been on your phone ALL DAY!” (Ask me how much my girls love this…) So instead of assuming how long my girls have been on, I ask, “Hey, check your Screen Time app. How long have you been on?” Then we monitor and adjust according to accurate information, not my assumptions.
4. Turn off notifications. Our teens don’t need to be notified about every little thing on Instagram, Snapchat, or whatever the cool new platform is.
5. Establish phone boundaries. Decide where phones are allowed and aren’t. Will you allow their phone in their bedroom? In the car while you drive? At the dinner table? During movie nights? Where and when will your teens be allowed to be on their devices? (And remember, they will not be a fan of these boundaries.)
6. Ask them if they saw anything that made them uncomfortable or raised questions. Remember to wear a game face. Your teen is simply reporting what they saw so you can navigate the next steps. Your child didn’t create the content she/he saw. Do not shame, condemn, or punish your teen for a pop-up or for reporting content that made him/her feel uncomfortable. Keep communication open by not overreacting. (This is a tip I learned from the nextTalk podcast!)
