5 things I really don’t want you to know about me

Ummm… Jill. If you really don’t want us to know this stuff, then why are you sharing it on the Internet? This is your choice, sister.

Yes, that’s true. But I view you as a friend, and I’d prefer no secrets between us. It’s important to me that you know that you’re not alone and that there’s hope for even the most responsible, mask-wearing try-hard girl.

By naming my struggles, I hope you’re encouraged to share yours too.

Even though I write about grace, hope and being who God created us to be, I struggle with all those things in my right-now life. This post offers a glimpse behind the curtain with the five struggles I really don’t want you to know.

1. I love work…sometimes more than people.

By “work,” I mean this whole blog process. Everything about writing words on the Internet makes me happy. However, I have the uncanny ability to twist good, God-glorifying things into idols.

I constantly think about all the things I should do, all the things I haven’t done, and the next time I can work some more. When my best-practice systems are interrupted, I get irritated. And while it’s good to spend time strategically, it’s not okay to be enslaved by routine.

As a writer, there’s a constant push to keep up, create content, and stay in front of your audience. And, some days, I’d rather work on a strategy than push a swing.

The struggle arises when I care more about feeding the Internet machine than feeding my soul.

2. I wonder if I’m messing up my kids.

All of my quirks and preferences, my work obsession, and my desperate desire for uncluttered spaces make me wonder if I’m a good parent…or at least an okay one. I ask myself:

Am I too Type A? Do my kids feel loved? Do I work too hard on the wrong things?

The bottom line is that I just want to do a good job as a parent, so I beat myself up over every snappy comeback, frustrated outburst, and capricious disciplinary moment.

I struggle with the thought that my mistakes overshadow the love my girls feel.

3. Metrics are too important to me.

Seriously, metrics are my love language, and while I’d like to think this love stems from the truth that every number is a person and every person needs to connect with Jesus, it doesn’t.

The love stems from the belief that metrics validate my worth. High numbers make me feel talented and respected and like I’m on the right path—healthy things grow right?

I struggle when my numbers aren’t going up and to the right because, well, that means I’m terrible at what I do, and I should rethink my purpose and go eat worms.

4. I’m a fan of sprinkles.

This one seems random and disjointed, right? But stay with me. I’m a streamline/efficiency ninja. I don’t like clutter, waste or extraneous activities.

But that’s what sprinkles are: extra and unnecessary.

It drives me crazy that I’m not clear-cut, that I can’t be completely confined to a type or quantified unequivocally. I want black and white—not shades of gray. My humanity is especially irritating when I’m trying to produce and my emotions or exhaustion get in the way.

I struggle with my love for sprinkles because I’d prefer to be a machine instead of a person.

5. I have a love-hate relationship with my body.

As a kid, I was made fun of because I was tall and thin. My clothes never fit quite right and the cool pieces rarely came in my size. Fast forward to the baby-having years when I became obsessed with losing the baby weight.

My body has never cooperated.

And now, my body seems pitted against me. Over the past five years, I’ve been hospitalized twice, in addition to a month of bed-rest. And I just don’t get it.

I struggle between nourishing my body and pushing it into submission, and I get mad when it doesn’t seem to cooperate.

So where does God fit into these five struggles?

So when I realize I’m loving my work more than people, I remember we’re created to do good work, but we’re also created for relationship and joy. Then, I ask God what His expectations are of me and how He sees me, and I rejoice when the girls get to see their mama do work she loves.

When I wonder if I’m messing up my kids, I focus on parenting in obedience to God while remembering that He’s responsible for the outcomes.

While God loves metrics too, numbers are only a part of His story. As soon as I step back and take assessment of my whole life in partnership with Christ, I understand my true value, and the metrics are less important to me.

God created humans who occasionally love sprinkles, not machines. When I grasp that He loves me for all I am and not what I produce, I claim my name as “beloved.”

God gave me a body so I could fully experience the life He offers: one of food to savor, hugs to give, fingers to type, a voice to testify to the gospel of grace. To dismiss the gift with a love-hate relationship is to dismiss the Giver.

I shared five things with you today that I really didn’t want you to know, but where does this leave us?

I hope it gives us even more connection when you see that I’m a real person who struggles with the same things you do.

Please know that you’re not alone and that there’s grace as we accept our humanity instead of pushing it away.

Give yourself time to pause and think about what you believe and how you’re wired so you can take those thoughts to God.

May you be courageous to reach out and share your struggles with someone who you know and trust.