In the past, I’ve made decisions based on two criteria: (1) Do they need me?—which they did because they’re asking; and (2) Can I do it? —which I could technically do because I could find an opening somewhere in my schedule, even if it was every other Thursday for 45 minutes while the girls were napping.
So naturally, when I evaluated requests through those two questions, my answer was almost always “yes.”
While I love serving and helping, there was a growing gap between what I said was most important to me and what I was actually doing. I said my family was most important, and yet, they got the leftovers. The gap between my beliefs and actions left me unfulfilled.
Blergh.
The fastest way to grow that gap, to waste our time – and our life – is not to know what we’ve been put on earth to do.
As Susan David writes in Emotional Agility, “If you’ve never taken the time to sort out your values, you’re always winging it, which is how we wind up frittering our time away.” The good news for Christ-followers is that we know our purpose : to love and glorify God and to love others. We also have a unique calling, a specific way God manifests that purpose into the life of each of us.
Decision-making gets much easier when we have a clear objective. So how do we get that? We embrace our purpose, and then we start living out our calling.
These four principles guide my decision-making.
Disclaimer: These principles are predicated upon the fact that we’re already reading God’s Word, talking to Him about this request, feeling the Spirit tug on our heart, and asking the counsel of God-centered friends. If we’re not doing those things, we should start there and then add the following layers:
1. I’m giving up on finding balance.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve been fed the line that I should live a balanced life. Let me say, that’s a bunch of hogwash. As Matt Perman writes in What’s Best Next, “We are to seek to be centered, not balanced,” because not every role will get equal attention, which is a “recipe for burnout and mediocrity.”
Just like you, I’ve got lots of roles, like Christ-follower, wife, mom, writer, daughter, and CEO of housekeeping. Each of those roles, while important, carries a different amount of weight. My role as housekeeping CEO doesn’t get the same amount of time as my parenting role. In other words, I’m not balanced; I’m centered on my most important roles.
2. I’m the decider of my schedule.
I often think my schedule is something that happens to me instead of something that I’ve agreed to. I don’t have to do anything—I’m choosing to do everything. We aren’t forced into our activities, rather, we’ve allowed them into our schedule. We’re not innocent bystanders.
Here’s a quick 5-step framework to decide what should stay on the schedule and what should not:
- List out all of your activities, including family dinners, practices, volunteer commitments, school, and work.
- Give each activity a label from 1 to 4 (1 being a non-negotiable for your life and calling and 4 being completely optional).
- Get out the calendar, and only add the 1’s and 2’s.
- Add in the 3’s if there’s time, margin, emotional capacity (this is just as important as the others), and desire.
- Lastly, let go of the 4’s, although I strongly recommend you keep any time-bound commitments until they’re over.
Everyone has 24 hours in a day, and not every activity will make it onto our calendar…and that’s more than okay.
3. My schedule isn’t obligated to others.
Oh, how long I’ve believed that if I had a free minute, it belonged to someone else. Even if I didn’t want to do it or it wasn’t in alignment with what God had called me to do, I did it. I don’t like disappointing others. But God didn’t call any of us to do all the things. No person or organization trumps God’s plan for you.
4. There are no perfect decisions.
I’m always looking for the perfect choice, the perfect yes, and the perfect way to do all the things…and then I remember that I live on earth, so perfect is impossible. The problem lies in the fact that, as soon as I make a “perfect” choice, problems bubble up, and the smooth sailing that I expected gets interrupted.
We second-guess our choices because we’re human, but that doesn’t mean we made the wrong choice. And even if we did, our error isn’t the end. God’s plans can never be eclipsed by our choices.
“Do they need me?” and “Can I do it?” should never be the criteria we use to make decisions that impact our lives, hearts, and relationships. Instead, we should make choices that align with our values, and I’ve created a printable to to help us do exactly that. (Don’t miss question #3– it’s my favorite!) You can find it by clicking here. Friends, there’s a better way to make healthy decisions, and it’s about time that we started practicing it.
