One lie I’ve been loyal to far too long

I’m loyal by nature. I never wavered from my first-grade decision to attend Texas A&M, now my alma mater. I’ve had the same best friend for 20 years and the same husband for 19. This try hard girl is in it for the long haul, y’all.

But my loyalty has its downfall—I’ve lived with one lie for far too long that tells me:

I can—and should—do everything right.

As I type that out, I realize I sound like a crazy person, but I promise, I’m just a regular 40-something, mini-van-driving person.

I believe I should do everything right, and my version of that means

• the right number on the scale (and the right jean size)
• home-made meals with wonderful conversation
• a consistent work-out schedule
• an always-clean house
• and well-behaved kids

In order to do all this, I succumb to perfectionism, a lying mindset that asks us to live up to impossible standards. As a child of the ’90’s, Vanilla Ice said it perfectly, “Anything less than the best is a felony.”

My life of of living the perfectionism lie has proven to be:

• Isolating: I’m not much fun to be around.
• Oppressive: It must be done this way and it must be perfect.
• Anxiety-ridden: If I don’t do this right, I’ll mess up my people and my life.

Perfectionism is a dictatorial regime I live under to ensure I’m doing everything right.

But what’s a try-hard girl to do? Because the opposite of perfectionism looks like giving up, and I’m not into that either.

Jesus teaches that the opposite of perfectionism is compassion, so I’m moving toward that.

Compassion is a mindset that asks us to balance truth and grace.

Rather than giving us a phobia of flaws, compassion moves us toward those who need our help. When Jesus showed compassion, He healed (Matthew 14:14, Mark 1:41), taught (Mark 6:34), and comforted (Luke 9:13). Jesus saw our hurt and moved our direction.

In my experience, I’ve found compassion to be:

• Uniting: I’m drawn to others.
• Freeing: I can learn, try, fail, and still be loved.
• Rooted in kindness: I’m covered in grace that always looks to help.

Compassion is the more grace-filled, reality-based way to live.

So how do we move away from perfectionism and toward compassion?

Friends, this is where writing about grace gets hard because I want to give you five steps and send you away all fixed and shiny. But this isn’t reality. Letting go of a life-long mindset takes time…but mostly, it takes Jesus.

What I can do is point you to Christ and share how He’s working the perfectionism out of me.

1. First, I had to hit rock bottom.

When the girls were toddlers, we’d have a family devotional at breakfast. I was always so excited because I just knew the girls would listen attentively, thank me for my efforts, and ask theologically-based questions.

That is not what happened. Ever.

They’d spill milk, complain and, sometimes, literally walk off mid-sentence. But perfectionism demanded that we not deviate from the plan, so I’d yell…

“Don’t you know that we’re supposed to be learning about Jesus??!?!?!”

Yelling at my kids didn’t feel like compassionate love—it felt like crazy-town. My grasping for the perfect day and failure to deviate from the plan was slowing killing me on the inside. Something had to change within me.

2. Then, I started to research compassion.

First, I had to find out if being gracious with myself (and not just others) was even Biblical. Well, it is. Next, I studied up and read books about what compassion, grace, and kindness look like in real life. Here’s a free download of my favorite grace-based resources.

3. Finally, I started to accept that Christ really did love me.

Paul wrote in Ephesians 3:19, “May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.” The love of Christ is to be experienced because it’s too great to fully comprehend. I had to choose to believe that what God said about me was true even when I wasn’t “perfect.” It’s hard to allow truth trickle from your head to your heart, but it’s possible by choosing to believe that what Jesus says is real and then living as if it’s true.

I’m loyal by nature, but this one lie in my life has to go because it’s the opposite of what Christ teaches.

The way of Christ isn’t perfectionism but compassion. If you’re ready to leave that life behind, ask Him to be your guide. Are you ready to move toward grace? He won’t give you a five-point plan, but He will give you Himself and show you the way.