I was so intimidated at first. Jess was beautiful, incredibly smart, musically talented, swam on the high school swim team, and loved Jesus… blergh. Would she ever want to be friends with someone like me: gawky, goofy, and just smart enough?
And Jess is just one example. I have compared myself to others for as long as I can remember, and if you’re anything like me, you probably have too. It’s so much easier to compare than it is to connect. Yet when I compare, I miss out on friendships, on experiences, and what God is doing in my life because I’m so busy looking around at others.
We compare Instagram vacation photos, dress sizes, or numbers of clients. It’s okay to look around and be inspired, but it’s not okay to decide our worth is found in this arbitrarily-made up measuring system or to compare our worth to the perceived worth of others.
When I feel like I’ve fallen short in friendships, in work, or in parenting, I have a formula that I follow almost involuntarily.
- I start by searching for information because, surely, more data is the answer to my “problem.” If I could only find the missing piece, things would be right on track. This leads me to feeling busy and scattered.
- Then I worry that maybe I’m not in my right calling, that I’m not doing enough, or that, maybe, I’m missing out. This leads me to feeling anxious.
- Finally, I get jealous. I see the outward success of others, and I inwardly feel small.
While this is my default, this formula doesn’t work.
But Jesus (my two favorite words) is gracious, so He does a point-counterpoint maneuver in my heart.
1. In my search for information and my busyness, He gently whispers to my heart:
“Jill, your search ends here. You don’t need more information, you need to spend time with me. Just stop. Stop being so busy doing and looking and come to Me. Stop looking around at all the other people. I’ve got plans for them and they are different than the plans I have for you.”
2. In the worry that causes anxiety, He reminds me that when I taste His goodness, I won’t want anything else but Him. I worry that I’m missing something or that I’m never going to be enough, and He says:
“Try Me out. Let your soul see how good I am. I’m not going to let you miss out on what I have for you. I provide the best thing for you because I am your Good Shepherd, and I know what you need.”
3. In my jealousy, which makes me feel less-than, I hear Him say what He said to the crowd in Matthew 6:34 (MSG):
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.”
Here is what I find fascinating: To the girl who loves the checklist, to the girl who is obsessed with getting things right, and to the girl who seeks a solution, He speaks to her heart about the longings of her heart.
Jesus isn’t giving us a to-do list for how to get out of feeling all of the things, He’s drawing us to Him. As an Achiever, this is very hard for me to wrap my mind around. For me, the lover of lists, performance reviews, and measurables, the response to simply “come” seems so difficult. But here is what I know: Jesus doesn’t work in the ways I think He will, but He always meets me where I am and looks to usher me into His presence.
As Larry Crabb writes in Shattered Dreams, “When Jesus cried, ‘It is finished,’ the unapproachable God of intimidating holiness opened His arms and invited us to feel His embrace.” And that is what this Achiever needs: an open-armed and holy God inviting me in close.
I’m learning that my tendency to compare is actually my gateway to come to Him. My insufficiency is actually what ushers me into His presence.
When I decided to stop comparing myself to Jess, we turned out to be great friends. She is both precious and amazing, and she was even a bridesmaid in my wedding. Comparison offers us busyness, anxiety, and jealousy, and it causes us to miss out on beautiful things like friendship.
Let’s Go Rogue from comparing ourselves to others. There are too many Jess’s out there we might miss.
From L to R: Stacey, Candy, Jess, Sheryl, Amy and Melissa
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