We leave labor and delivery, and I climb into the backseat with our brand-new baby and tell Ryan, “She’s the best thing we’ve ever done.” And it’s true.
Fast-forward almost a decade: This time I’m in the driver’s seat while she’s in the third row arguing with her sister. Then someone spills a water bottle because they can’t find the cap. I get blamed for forgetting snacks.
The volume escalates…and so does my blood pressure.
Then Angry Mom makes her debut.
Blergh.
I don’t like being Angry Mom, but here’s what I’ve discovered:
I get angry for two reasons:
Because of their behavior.
Disobedience, disrespect, whining, fighting, and irresponsible behavior lead me to yell. I find myself saying phrases like, “How many times have I told you to put your shoes up so I don’t trip?” and “I’m throwing away all the Legos tomorrow if you can’t take care of them!”
Because of what’s going on in my heart.
As I reflect back on all my many angry episodes, there are four “O’s” that trigger my frustration, and they’re all issues related to my heart.
1. I feel overwhelmed.
We waited nine years to have kids because I wasn’t sure that kids were my thing. I’m not particularly patient or nurturing, so parenting is hard for me. When I feel unequipped or out of my league, I get angry.
2. I feel out-of-control.
The husband is out of town. Our oldest stepped in dog vomit. The girls squabble over who-knows-what. I lose it. When I feel frazzled by circumstances and over-stimulated by the needs around me, I yell.
3. I’m overworked.
I’m on a deadline for the blog, have a talk to practice, there are toilets to clean, and I need to leave in 10 minutes. When there’s no margin in my day, interruptions make me angry. I get annoyed when someone gets hurt and yell for quiet when the girls giggle too loudly. Can’t my people see that mama’s got stuff to do?
4. I’m owed.
Feeling owed is the soil in which my anger most easily grows. In my mind, I’m owed ample time to do all the things, a husband who gets home at 5 p.m., and a little peace and quiet. When life isn’t easy, I get mad: Why is this happening? Why can’t they behave better? Why am I the worst mom?
I know that Angry Mom isn’t who I want to be.
My response to my sinful-angry outbursts goes like this:
- I beat myself up because I know anger doesn’t build our mother-daughter relationship.
- I quote Scripture to my heart. Ya know, the ones about how human anger doesn’t produce the righteousness God desires (James 1:20), how only a fool gives full vent to his anger (Proverbs 29:11), and how out of the overflow of the heart, a man speaks (Matthew 12:34).
All these Scriptures just make me feel worse than I already do. Guilt ensues. - I apologize to the girls and God. Again.
Yet I can’t seem to control the anger as it wells up from the pit of my stomach and spews out of my mouth.
I know why I get angry and I know Angry Mom isn’t who I want to be. So what’s the next step for an Angry Mom?
I think that’s my problem: I want a step-by-step guide to tell me “If this, then that” or a 10-part webinar to teach me how to not get irrationally angry.
I want to be a perfectly-performing mama with well-behaved girls. My goal is to have calm, compliant, obedient, and respectful kids—but God has a different goal in mind.
God uses parenting to sanctify.
As Wendy Speake writes in the book Triggers, “God is more concerned with maturing us, in the fiery furnace of family life, than making sure our children are compliant and calm.” (Full Disclosure: I’m an Amazon Affiliate, which means I earn a bit of commission on each sale. But don’t worry there’s no added cost to you!)
What??!?!? The perfectionist performer in me can’t believe this is true. But it is.
God is all about conforming us more and more into the image of His Son. He’s not at all concerned with our external compliance if our inner heart isn’t propelled by love.
So then what’s an Angry Mom to do?
It’s discouraging for us perfectionists and try-hard moms to hear that there isn’t a guaranteed way to solve our anger issues, but I do have hope to offer.
Let’s never forget that God is all about our relationship with Him and our kids over rightness. He’ll create situations we cannot handle to bring us back to Him. He equips us to parent. He never forsakes us.
I’m not going to give you a checklist, but I’ve got some suggestions of things that have worked for this Angry Mom.
Click here to get a free resource.
The free printable will help you understand what anger actually is, the three anger styles, resources I whole-heartedly recommend, and practical, common-sense strategies I (imperfectly) implement when I get angry.
But let me be clear: the ideas I outline will seem easy until a child throws a shoe at you. The words sound great as you read them, but when your tween acts out, well, that’s when our faith and love get real. Let’s remember that moving away from anger is a journey and a road full of potholes and setbacks.
When we leave labor and delivery, we know our kids are the best thing we’ve ever done. Angry Mom, don’t give up on yourself or your kids. Even in the anger, our kids are always our best thing we’ve ever done… Amen?
I hate that this describes me so well. I get angry and then guilty – rinse, wash, repeat. Hmmmm. Thank you again for being so real and tackling all “my” issues!
Eileen, I am so with you! The “rinse-wash-repeat” cycle is where I’ve lived. Remember that “your” issues are my issues too. But God is so faithful to meet us where we are. Also, make sure to get the free download (I hope that doesn’t sound sales-y), there’s a lot of content there to help. -jill
So good! I, too, am the not-so-patient or nurturing one! I had kids young but often feel like “I’m not meant to do this!”. I appreciate your transparency and can relate 100%! Thank you for these resources ?
Nicole, Oh sister! So often I’ve told myself “I’m not meant to do this and my husband would be so much better!” Thank you for your kind words and know that in your struggles, you’re not alone and that our Jesus is always with us. Even when we mess it all up. -jill
This has been my life for the last 3 weeks with my 3 year old. There is just something mean and ugly that bubbles up inside me when I have to repeat the same simple requests over and over again. Don’t throw toys. Don’t hit your sister. Don’t ignore me. BAH! I try to phrase them in positive ways, take deep breathes. Thank you Jesus that you are working inside my heart!
Kristina, Some weeks are just really tough aren’t they? That ugliness just wells up and it’s hard to keep back. But you’re so right: Jesus is bringing this to your attention and working inside your heart. Go God go! Go Mama go! -jill
Hi! My name is Rachel (www.thewellplace.org) and I found your blog through fb group grace bloggers. I loved this piece bc I totally struggle with letting my anger dictate my parenting and even my marriage. I find that if I discipline the kids after the first sign of disobedience or disrespect it helps me address problems calmer amd clear headed. But if im letting it go and go go and go with empty reminders or threats, i crack after while amd thats when i find my heart angry! I love what you said about how God uses our parenting as tool to sharpen us.! LOOVE. I’d love to connect, feel free to check out my blog, too!
Rachel, You hit the nail on the head: anger dictates instead of love leading us. That’s so wise to recognize. And yes, when we just let things build up, it’s easy to get mad quickly. I will definitely check out your blog. Thank you for stopping by! -jill
Jill, this is spot on! I completely relate to the part about being overstimulated by all the needs I am somehow supposed to meet in my family. Feeling out of control… that seems to be one of my biggest heart issues when the mommy anger rises up (like daily). This was so encouraging! 🙂
Amanda, It’s amazing how just recognizing what triggers our anger can prevent anger from spilling over the next time. The overstimulation and out-of-controlness are no joke when you’re a mama. It’s real. And it happens every day. Please know that you’re not alone and Jesus loves you so much. Even in the mess ups. -jill
Loved this! Thank you for being so transparent and for sharing your heart. I believe God uses our spouses and kids (more than anyone else /any other relationship) to change our hearts and make us more like Him. I loved your comment about God equipping us as parents 🙂 So true!
Amy, God sure does partner with “our people” to sanctify us daily, right?!?! God equips us and He loves us like crazy. Keep going to Him daily sweet mama! God delights in you! -jill
Hey Jill! I am stopping by from By His Grace Bloggers….and boy am I glad I did. This post hit me straight in the heart. I can’t wait to check out the free download. Thank you!
Emily, Well hello! So glad you stopped by. It’s tough when Angry Mom makes a debut, but there’s a reason she shows up (but she doesn’t have to stay!). Please enjoy the free download and let me know what you think! I’m rooting for you and praying for you sweet sister in Christ. You’re definitely not alone. -jill
Fabulous post, Jill! I think many moms can easily identify with this process of being overwhelmed, getting angry, losing it, feeling guilty, apologizing — and then doing it all over again! Oh, if only there WERE a checklist – a sure fire way to keep all of us from losing our stuff! Thank God, His grace is sufficient and mercies are new every morning!
Naomi, I soooo wish there was a checklist! However, I’m slowly learning that God isn’t a check-list, legalistic, perfectionist God, but one who loves deeply, gives grace lavishly, and holds tightly in the palm of His hand. -jill
This is me at times. I can get so angry, especially with the actions of my children. I am so grateful for the grace of the Lord.
Stephanie, so many moms resonated with this post so please know that you aren’t alone! Just like you said: God’s grace is sufficient to cover every weakness. He loves you so. -jill