Twos your superpower is sensing needs: who needs what and how you can meet it. The one person you believe doesn’t have needs is you. You may find yourself a bit proud that you don’t have as many needs as other people.
Your one powerful underlying motivation is your need to be needed. When you are healthy and whole, you reflect God’s love to the world.
You can also grab this free resource about what the Enneagram is, what it isn’t, and what you want to know about your personality type. Your Quick Start Guide to the Enneagram walks you through how to determine your type, what’s up with wings, and Enneagram resources you’ll want to check out.
Please know that I’m not an Enneagram expert, merely a lover of it. What I present to you is based on my own research, feedback from men and women of each type, and peer review. If you learn better through audio, take a listen to this Grace In Real Life podcast episode with Enneagram Two Natalie Gingrich.
All Things Two
Here’s the basic foundation you need to understand about yourself or about the Twos in your life. In this post, we cover what arouses anger in a Two, books for spiritual growth, what causes you stress at Christmas, your biggest fear, gift ideas, goal-setting, parenting, and what the pandemic of 2020 has been like for you.
What Twos believe
Twos believe that responding to others’ needs is good and expressing your own needs is bad. You may also think that you don’t have as many needs as other people have.
Where Twos struggle
You struggle with asking for what you really need. You may hint or passively aggressive behave so people can guess at what you might need.
(The FCC requires that I tell you I’m an Amazon Affiliate, which means that I earn a small commission if you buy a book from any link here. Don’t worry, it doesn’t add any cost to the book.)
What makes you angry
What makes you the angriest is when you’re unappreciated by those you sacrifice to serve. As a Type Two, you’re especially sensitive to being misjudged, ignored, or shut down. A fellow Type Two, Elizabeth Cravillion, said, “Lack of responsibility and affirmation are my triggers.” Because your type reflects God’s care and love, you get angry when others don’t reciprocate or recognize the helpfulness, nurturing, and support you offer.
What’s behind your anger
Because Type Twos are in the Heart Center, you are concerned with having and maintaining esteem and affection.
Before you get angry, you’re more likely to feel shame. You’re normally the giver, fixer, or helper in situations so you feel ashamed that you have needs or that you don’t have less needs than those you’re helping. You believe that you shouldn’t need help, but you should only give help.
How you express your anger
You tend to suppress your anger because it seems scary and you want to be liked by those you’re trying to help. You may also say, “I’m not mad. I’m just hurt” in order to mask the true extent of your anger.
If your anger does manage to escape, it may take the form of snarkiness, manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, and/or ranting. After you get angry, you feel guilty about it, which turns into a vicious cycle.
How to process your anger in a God-centered way
1. When you feel anger rise up, know that it’s okay to be angry, that you’re allowed to be angry, and recognize that having needs is part of being human. Then talk to God about it.
2. It’s hard for your type to understand who you are if you’re not helping others, but this misunderstanding can lead directly to martyrdom. Remember that your identity is tucked away with Christ so you are fully known and appreciated by Him.
3. Practice expressing one of your needs with safe people, which gets easier with time.
“Even before I knew I was an Enneagram Two, I knew something was off. I had considered finances, calendar space, even mental space as filters for decision-making without considering something super important – emotional space. For me, if my emotional capacity is too full, every other area of my life will suffer for it. The Best Yes
helped me to see my emotional capacity as important, relevant to the conversation, and as something to factor into the conversation. This book helped me embrace my capacity limits and live within them. – Leah Heffner of leahheffner.com
“Written in Shauna’s warm and vulnerable style, this collection of essays focuses on the most important transformation in her life, and maybe yours too: leaving behind busyness and frantic living and rediscovering the person you were made to be. Present Over Perfect is a hand reaching out, pulling you free from the constant pressure to perform faster, push harder, and produce more, all while maintaining an exhausting image of perfection.” – Amazon description
“Like Mary, you long to sit at the Lord’s feet… but the daily demands of a busy world just won’t leave you alone. Like Martha, you love Jesus and really want to serve him… yet you struggle with weariness, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy.” For the Enneagram Two, who believes that being enough looks like serving more, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World is a respite for your soul. – Amazon description
Your goal for Christmas is to keep everyone happy.
How you came to that goal: As a Type Two, you love people – spending time with them, serving them, and loving on them. The flip side of this love for others is that you’d like your efforts to be noticed and appreciated.
What happens when you work to reach your goal: In an effort to keep everyone around you happy, you may spend more money, time, or emotional capacity than you have. You may also sabotage your own happiness because you’re so anxious about keeping others at peace. At the end of the holiday season, you feel ragged. You may also feel unseen or dismissed if others don’t notice how hard you worked to create a wonderful experience for them.
Three ways to have a healthy Christmas:
1. Ask your friend Jesus to help you know how and with whom you need to set boundaries. Boundaries on your time, money, and energy are your friend at Christmas time – and in every other season! It’s helpful to set boundaries in advance and with the input of a trusted friend or spouse.
2. Remember that you’re not responsible for keeping everyone happy because each person is responsible for their own happiness.
3. Pay attention to your energy level and your emotional health. Practice self-care throughout the holidays and every day after.
BONUS: Check out the book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver.
Want to read more truth by someone who’s also a Type Two? Check out the sites of these fellow Type Twos and reviewers of this portion: Wendy Douglas, Heather Lobe, and Christine Rollings.
What Type Twos Fear: Your underlying fear is being unloved or unwanted by others. From this root, spring fears of relational tension, confrontation, and disappointing others. Saying “no” to someone or being rejected are two things you absolutely hate. Deep down, you simply want to be loved.
Why You Fear: Type Twos often believe the lie that says you aren’t “enough” and that the only way to win love is to hide who you are, causing you to work to prove that you’re worthy of love and never share what’s going on inside. You may have picked up a message throughout your life that naming your needs could lead to rejection so you’d rather stay focused on the needs of others so everyone can stay happy.
How Your Fear Manifests Itself: Because of your fear, you lavishly say “yes” so boundary setting is hard for you. You may also find yourself unable to focus until any relational tension is resolved. Type 2s find the topic of “needs” a bit tricky: you may believe your needs don’t matter OR you may feel shame that you have needs OR you may become resentful that even when you recognize your needs, you don’t have anyone to share them with. You may also unknowingly manipulate others out of a desire to feel useful, loved, and needed. As a Type Two, you may look for others to define who you are instead of allowing God to define that for you.
How to Help Work Through the Fear:
1. Remember that you are so loved by God no matter how much or how little you serve or do today.
2. Practice solitude. When you practice being alone, you connect with what’s going on in your own heart and learn to rest in who you most fully are. You also understand that it’s totally okay to be alone. Solitude can teach you how to be present with no string attached – no compulsion to do and no subconscious expectation for something in return.
3. Name one need you have and share it with a safe, trustworthy, God-centered person, like your spouse, best friend, pastor, or counselor. As you feel comfortable and safe, share another need.
Gift Philosophy: You love, love, love, love giving gifts, but become anxious believing your gift may not be meaningful enough.
Gifts are a mixed-bag for Type Twos. While you love giving gifts to others, receiving gifts is a challenge.
As a gift-giver, your ears perk up year-round as someone casually mentions something they love. So when gift-giving time rolls around, you love picking out that perfect gift. You want your people to know how much you listen, love, and know them.
You do not want to get junk for anyone on your list; instead, you want each gift to be meaningful, which puts a lot of pressure on your time, resources, and finances to find the most special, personal gift for every single person you love. You also don’t want to let anyone down because your gift isn’t lovely and perfect for them.
As a gift-receiver, you may not know what you want because you’re too busy being needed to have needs. You also have a hard time telling people what you want, but unrealistically expect them to magically know what to get you.
If you do know, you have a hard time sharing ideas with others because you’re afraid you won’t get what you’d like, you’re asking too much, or the gift is too much of an inconvenience for them. You’ll also share a variety of gift ideas with those who ask, keeping in mind different price points, shopping convenience, and All The Things so you won’t put anyone out.
You put a premium on the level of personal thought and effort of the gift. Any gift you receive that caused someone to say, “This made me think of you!” is a winner in your book.
Gift ideas for every Enneagram Type Two: “I have no idea what I want.”
More than any other type, Twos have a hard time sharing what they’d like to receive. So to help you out, I’ve asked other Twos what gifts they’ve loved in the past.
Two-approved gift ideas include:
- Splurge items or experiences like a gourmet food product, bath salts, or massage.
- A thoughtful letter telling your Two how much she means to you.
- Snuggly gifts like a good blanket, candles, movies — and time with you to snuggle.
- Quality time where the other person plans all the details and your Two can show up and be spoiled!
No-No’s for those buying a Two a gift:
- Please don’t ask a Two what she would like. It hurts her heart that you’re not paying attention to her life, likes, and habits. Your Two doesn’t want to dictate a gift to you. Twos want to be seen. If you must ask your Two what she’d like to receive, say something like, “I have some ideas for you but is there anything, in particular, you’re really wanting this year?”
- Gift cards or cash unless it’s for a store/restaurant that you know he enjoys. Otherwise, these items seem generic.
- Gift baskets. For the love, show your Two that you know who she is and what she wants!
How do you view goals? You like setting goals, but you can certainly take them or leave them.
Do you set goals? Yes, but you often let them go in order to help others. It’s also easier for you to stick with a goal that’s others-centric vs. self-centric.
How do you accomplish your goals? Goals are at the whim and discretion of the people in your life. Writer Robin Chapman describes it this way, you’re “…aimlessly whacking at all the helpful things that other people want.”
How do goals make you feel? You don’t have strong feelings about goals because people are far more important to you than any goal.
Healthy habits for the Helper:
1. As writer Emily Furda says, add some “white space” to your goal timeline so you can work toward achieving results that are important to you while leaving time for the people you love.
2. Find a friend who will hold you accountable so you don’t drop your goals entirely.
3. Recognize that your needs are important too.
4. God is always at work in the world so remember that God will take care of others just as He takes care of you.
5. Remember that Jesus is just crazy about you. Your needs are important to Him, and He wants to hear from you.
Extra resources for the Helper:
The pandemic is both a blessing and a curse. You love helping others and people need help and support the most during a crisis. You’re the one checking on other people, sewing face masks, and picking up groceries for neighbors. Because of your ability to genuinely listen and care for others, people are drawn to you.
However, because of social distancing, the ways you are able to care for others is limited, which you find really irritating.
To cope, you find yourself repressing your needs to meet the needs of others. Right now is all about others and very little about you.
This is a prime opportunity for growth for Twos. What an incredible time for God to strip away the false belief that expressing your own needs and asking for help is bad. He longs to hear from you and for you to grow in real connection with others.
Twos are gracious and generous, and you easily give of yourself. As a Two, you intuitively recognize the needs of those around you. However, naming your own needs doesn’t come as easily because acknowledging them can trigger shame that you aren’t self-sufficient. Your type operates from the heart more than any other. So does a Type Two cope with all the needs you see on a daily basis? You do as much as you can for everyone, but all this doing negatively impacts your health and your family often gets the leftovers. Blergh.
Where You Shine in Parenting
As a mama, you’re kind, warm, and empathetic. Your child knows she is loved, heard, and valued. Of all the Enneagram types, you form the strongest connections with people, which means that you know your kids inside and out. You shine at being present and you can read your children’s emotions like nobody’s business.
Where You Struggle in Parenting
Because you want to help and do All The Things, you can become overwhelmed and exhausted. (Sensory overload and doing all the chores anyone?) As a Two, you go all in so you may lose yourself in parenting. You also find it difficult to take stock of your own needs, so you can feel deflated and resentful when others don’t appreciate all you’re doing for them. You may become so invested in your people that their emotions become your emotions.
Healthy Habits
- Sweet Two Mama, God’s love for you never fails. Whether you serve (or don’t), do (or don’t), His compassion doesn’t run out (Lamentations 3:22-24).
- Review All The Things you do. How can others in your family or tribe help you? Asking for and receiving help brings blessings. Try it out — I promise it won’t kill you!
- Ask God to help you find an outlet outside of your family that allows you to make a difference, love others, and experience joy
Books for the Two Mama
- The Bible – you must know your identity so you can serve out of love!
- How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (there’s also a teen version)
- Loving Your Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk
More Words to Encourage You
- Why disregarding your own needs is the worst
- Three destructive lies people-pleasers believe
- When doing All The Things for God wears you out
