Fours your superpower is looking inward and determining what you’re missing. You believe that a fundamental part of a complete life is something that you lack.
Your one powerful underlying motivation is the desire to be yourself and for others to recognize your “you-ness.”
When you are healthy and whole, you reflect God’s creativity.
You can also grab this free resource about what the Enneagram is, what it isn’t, and what you want to know about your personality type. Your Quick Start Guide to the Enneagram walks you through how to determine your type, what’s up with wings, and Enneagram resources you’ll want to check out.
Please know that I’m not an Enneagram expert, merely a lover of it. What I present to you is based on my own research, feedback from men and women of each type, and peer review. If you learn better through audio, take a listen to this Grace In Real Life podcast episode with Enneagram Four Sarah E. Westfall.
All Things Four
Here’s the basic foundation you need to understand about yourself or about the Fours in your life. In this post, we cover what arouses anger in a Four, books for spiritual growth, what causes you stress at Christmas, your biggest fear, gift ideas, goal-setting, parenting, and what the pandemic of 2020 has been like for you.
What Fours believe
Fours believe that whatever is necessary for a “good” and complete life is outside of them, so Fours suffer from envy. Your envy doesn’t stem so much from what other people possess (car, house, or even vacations) that you don’t; your envy revolves more around relationships or the “secret sauce” you believe everyone else has but you.
Where Fours struggle
You struggle with putting your feelings aside to take action. You may also struggle to see what is good and amazing in yourself because you so often only see what you lack. Comparing yourself to others is easy for you and finding contentment is difficult.
(The FCC requires that I tell you I’m an Amazon Affiliate, which means that I earn a small commission if you buy a book from any link here. Don’t worry, it doesn’t add any cost to the book.)
What makes you angry
What really angers you is being dismissed. You are extremely frustrated by people who dismiss your feelings, gifts and commitments. Type 4s don’t do well with being criticized, fixed, or ignored. More than any other type, you cannot stand being misunderstood.
A fellow Type 4 says it this way, “Feeling misunderstood or misrepresented always hits me hard. I get frustrated with myself because I don’t have the time/capacity/giftings to pursue every little cause that tugs at my heart.”
Your type reflects God’s creativity and depth, which means you get angry when others don’t recognize – or take the time to recognize- the beauty and depth of who you are.
What’s behind your anger
Because Type 4s are in the Heart Center, you’re concerned with having and maintaining esteem and affection.
Before you get angry, you’re more likely to feel shame. You may feel shame because, while you long to be viewed as distinguished and unique from others, you’re not sure that you are. You desire connection with others so when others don’t understand you, your shame pushes you to anger.
How you express your anger
Type 4s anger-cycle looks like this:
Suppression -> Sadness -> Explosion -> Guilt for outburtst -> Anger that no one understands you -> Guilt that you’re mad -> Crying
This cycle will continue if not broken in a healthy way. When your anger explodes, you yell, cry, zone out/disengage, and engage in passive-aggressive behavior.
How to process your anger in a God-centered way
1. You are allowed to feel every emotion, but your emotions cannot drive the bus. Remember that your feelings are not always factual and can be fickle. Take those feelings of anger and sadness to Christ and allow Him to walk you through them.
2. Because it’s excruciating for your type to be misunderstood, spend time alone with God so He can give you freedom from rising and falling with every emotion you feel.
3. Find someone who loves and understands you, who will let you share your emotions openly without judgment. It’s unhealthy to hold on to these intense feelings so let them out!
“An Enneagram 4 sees her life through the dramatic lens of story, with highs and lows, challenges and victories. That is precisely what you’ll find in Hannah Hurnard’s Hinds Feet On High Places. Rich in symbolism and metaphor, this allegory mirrors our individual struggle to find high ground when life seems to bring us down, and it offers hope that we aren’t as alone as we sometimes feel.” – Kerry Campbell of mylittleepiphanies.com
“Finish by Jon Acuff changed my work. For 4s, the creative side of our brains fights the logical, and this can hinder follow-through in our work life. Jon nudges us to let some things go so we can focus on what matters and find contentment while pushing into the hard work. He writes from experience with raw humor throughout. I can’t recommend this book enough.” – Meghan Weyerbacher of thebloggingwriter.com
“New Seeds of Contemplation speaks to the soul of anyone longing to live truer, fuller, and out of a firm center of love. Most Enneagram experts believe Merton was a Type 4, making his language exceptionally exquisite, able to plunge existential depths, and keen to challenge even the most individualistic and elusive persons. For Type 4s, reading Merton is like being spoken to within, from the truer self we long for and fear we may never find.” – Katie Jo Ramsey of katiejoramsey.com
“A highly emotional person from childhood, I grew up with a culture-ingrained idea that emotions are bad and not to be trusted. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality has not only taught me how emotional health and spiritual health go hand-in-hand, it’s been instrumental in reshaping my belief systems regarding emotions. I’ve learned that emotions are from God, that God himself is emotional, and that as a woman created in His image, denying my emotions effectively denies my own humanity and my position as an image-bearer.” – Carrie Beth Davis of Instagram
Your goal for Christmas is to create uniquely magical Christmas memories for you and your people.
How you came to that goal: As a Type Four, you are creative down to your bones so you love creating a unique and wonderful Christmas experience for your family and friends.
What happens when you work to reach your goal: On the way to create a special and amazing season, you may idealize moments about what Christmas should be, especially when those moments aren’t happening. You’re at risk of getting stuck in your feelings about all that’s happening so you may not get your to-do list done. You can become overwhelmed either because (1) you’ve said “yes” one too many times or because (2) you’ve agreed to participate in activities, bring food, or buy gifts when you don’t have the time, money, or energy to follow through. The holidays are a prime time to become jealous of others because you feel like everyone’s kids, decorations, gifts, and plans are better than yours.
Three ways to have a healthy Christmas:
1. Ask your friend Jesus to give you a heart of gratitude for the big and the small ways He’s provided for you.
2. Remember that it’s okay to take time to recharge. You’re not being selfish as you practice self-care. You’re simply giving the best you possible to others when you practice self-care.
3. Make room for both reflection and productivity – both are necessary this season. It’s easy to let your emotions dictate your agenda so have a pro-active plan in place so you both feel and do.
BONUS: Check out Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. Also, go here on how to stay sane on social.
Want to read more truth by someone who’s also a Type Four? Check out the sites of these fellow Type Fours and reviewers of this portion: Kerry Campbell, Kaley Ehret, Carrie Beth Davis, and Melody Ward.
What Type Fours Fear:
Your underlying fear is being abandoned by God and others because you really are “too much.” From this root, spring fears of being misunderstood, dismissed, stereotyped, and blending in. Deep down, you simply want to be understood and loved for the individual you are.
Why You Fear:
Type Fours feel like something is missing and there’s underlying angst about what that could be. You may have heard the message from childhood that there was something off about you, that you didn’t really belong.
How Your Fear Manifests Itself:
Because of your fears, Type Fours may feel like you feel too much, such as your frustration because of your idealism, angst about what could be, or envy about the deep + interesting inner lives of others. You may get stuck in your melancholy as well. You may turn passive-aggressive or manipulative to sustain relationships. Type Fours may also feel shame as you compare yourself to others and declare yourself lacking.
How to Help Work Through the Fear:
1. Remember that you are fully known and fully loved by God for who you are. God sees your heart + all your emotions and has tucked your identity in Him.
2. Practice solitude. Being alone will help you dial back your emotional energy. It will give you rest from your inner turmoil and a much-needed break from your compulsion to be seen.
3. Take a few minutes to express appreciation for what’s unique in those around you instead of focusing on what’s missing in your own self.
Gift Philosophy: The more nostalgic a gift, the better.
You love a good gift that takes you back.
As a gift-giver, you work throughout the year to notice the gift-receiver in a unique and special way. Your goal is that your gift will make your people feel seen and appreciated.
As a gift-receiver, you put that same level of thoughtfulness put into the gifts you give. You love it when the gifts you receive transport you into a time of nostalgia, joy, and invoke a deep emotional response.
Gift ideas for every Enneagram Type Four: “I like my gifts to be unique, useful, fair trade, ethically-made, and personally meaningful. All in one package.”
Nothing is worse to a Four than a generic, practical gift. You want a deeply personal, tell-me-you-get-me kinda gift. You also love it when it’s an experience you can do together like going to a play, concert, or museum. And oh, yes, you love a gift that’s sustainably-sourced, non-GMO, and fairly produced.
Four-approved gift ideas include:
- Books, vintage preferred. For spiritual growth books, go here. For parenting books, go here.
- Jewelry, vintage or something colorful with a colorful past.
- Poetry.
- A handwritten letter.
- Music, e.g. a vinyl record from a concert you went to together, a boxed set of his favorite band, or concert tickets, etc.
- Anything handmade.
No-No’s for those buying a Four a gift:
- Practical gifts, unless it shows that you heard your Four express a need and your gift meets it.
- Clothes because your Four has very specific tastes so don’t worry about trying to figure them out!
- Really expensive gifts, which can make your Four feel uncomfortable.
- Gift cards because they feel impersonal.
How do you view goals? Individualists love the idea of goal setting, but you rarely complete them. As writer Rachael Webster says, goals are “…overarching, romantic visions of what SHOULD be.”
Do you set goals? Yes, but you can easily abandon your original goals for new ones when you’ve lost momentum. You find it easy to dream them up but hard to execute them.
How do you accomplish your goals? Writer Alison McLennan says this, you’re “perpetually cycling from passionate productivity to depression/apathy and back to excitement.” This cycling may mean that you’re not working toward your goals as much as you’re feeling them.
How do goals make you feel? At first, your goals make you feel inspired, but then, they discourage you. You give too much weight to how your goals make you feel, i.e. if you don’t feel like working toward that goal, you drop it altogether.
Healthy habits for the Individualist:
1. Put emphasis on progress, not your plan or results.
2. Because you focus on your feelings, find a friend who reminds you of your “why.”
3. In light of the fact that you’re highly creative and generate many incredible ideas, ask if your goals are in alignment with your values.
4. Avoid comparing yourself to others. God created you uniquely, and He’s got specific plans for you. Ask Him what He has in mind for your life.
5. Remember that, in Christ, you lack nothing.
This is a time that you can shine Type Fours. You are the most naturally empathic of all the types, which means you can understand and almost feel the feelings of those around you. You have the ability to understand the pain and hurt of others, and there is certainly a lot of pain right now.
To cope, you’re focusing on what you’ve lost. You think about what you had before and it’s gone. But you’re also focusing on the beauty in the pain.
You see — more than any other type — that through our woundedness and brokeness there is still an undefeated human spirit. You see the generosity, sacrifice, hope, and healing even in the hard. You hope that all of us will gain perspective and meaning during AND on the other side of the pandemic.
Fours are all about being truly and deeply known for who you most truly are. You intrinsically move toward authenticity and feeling your emotions. You constantly look for beauty and find it wherever you look. However, your desire to be understood may lead you to over-identify with your flaws, so you feel like you never quite fit in.
Where You Shine in Parenting
As a mama, you are empathetic, honest, and eager to show physical affection. You instill a love of creativity and imagination in your children. Messes and hard conversations don’t scare you. You love to help your children navigate their emotions. Fours are big-picture focused and so enthusiastic about All The Things!!!!
Where You Struggle in Parenting
Because you feel so deeply, the practical details of daily caregiving may be difficult for you. You also cannot stand being interrupted. Your kids’ schedules plus a disdain for routine can lead you to overwhelm, which may cause a complete shutdown.
Healthy Habits
- Sweet Four Mama, it’s easy for you to be whipped and tossed about by your emotions. Ask God to ground you in the truth of who He is and who you are in Him (John 15:5).
- Keep showering your kids with hugs and kisses
- Ask God to help you focus on the daily details.
Books for the Four Mama
- The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman
- Are My Kids on Track? by Sissy Goff, David Thomas, and Melissa Trevathan
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