What’s the difference between being selfish and living into the Jesus-expression of who you are? How can you tell when you’re living under the weight of unhealthy expectations? How have we misinterpreted “dying to self”?

Today we are talking about unhealthy expectations, and don’t we try-hard girls struggle with expectations? We think about them less as ill-fitting and heavy standards and more as “just what we are supposed to do.”

We hold expectations about:

  • How we’ll crush our goals,
  • How we will measure up to “Good Mom” status,
  • How many calories are acceptable,
  • And about 1,000,001 other things like:
    • what Christmas morning will be like, 
    • when we’re allowed to say “no,” 
    • even how popular or talented or smart our kids will be, 
    • and how close we’ll be with our spouse. 

So what does God say about expectations?

  • God offers invitations; He is not a demanding Father.
  • God says that He delights in you because you are IN HIM, not because you incorporate every best practice.
  • God says you are allowed to relax and rest in His sovereignty, not your striving.

The parts that stick out to me from this conversation with Heather are:

  • “The inability to deal with other people’s freedom” — in other words, getting frustrated and irritated when people don’t react like I want them to
  • Her grace-filled way of looking at “dying to self,” so that we die to the parts of the flesh that push us to keep up our image or feed our people-pleasing nature.
  • And how Jesus is happy with us all the time, simply because we are found in Him.

Key Quotes

  • “The inability to deal with other people’s freedom is a wake-up call.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “The goal is to be hopeful, prayerful, and yet open-handed.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “When I parent not how I’m wired… that’s when things go wonky.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “Honoring our own souls has so much more to do with our heart than where our pocketbook or actions are.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “If we’re primarily operating out of obligation, that’s a warning sign.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “To die to self means to die to the self inside of me, the flesh that says, ‘I have to do this because I’m a Christian.’” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “We have so much more freedom than we even realize.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “God is so much bigger than our legalism and our rules.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “I get to walk in grace. I get to walk in love. I get to walk in freedom. I get to be Spirit-led.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “Because we are found in Him, Jesus is happy with us all the time.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “What would it look like to relax?” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “God, You’re big enough and good enough to handle me in all my different stages of disappointment, anger, rage, and depression.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “I don’t want to do God’s work for Him.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “Open-handedness is me showing up as me,” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur
  • “When I do All The Things, I sacrifice my relationships, my sanity, my soul.” – LMFT, Certified Spiritual Director, and Writer Heather Bjur

Mentioned in the Podcast

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About Heather Bjur

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Spiritual Director, Heather is drawn to the depth and richness of the human soul. 

Words like desire, lament, connection, and restoration describe just a bit of the way she engages the world. Leaning heavily on the Holy Spirit, her heart is to come alongside those who have been wounded in relationships. 

She leads with curiosity, affirmation, and grace, as it is in the presence of these gifts that she found healing as well. On a constant quest for growth and maturity, Heather believes we can only take people where we’ve been. 

She currently practices at True North Counseling Center in Fargo, North Dakota, where her therapeutic focus is freedom from codependency and emotional legalism. She lives in western Minnesota with her husband, Chris, and her two boys, Elijah and Ezra.

Here’s how to connect with Heather Bjur

Here’s how to connect with Jill

 

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